monologues.

Eventually.

2012-02-12T00:40:00.001+08:00

The first round of monthly tests this year just ended earlier today. I commend the school for being a teeny weeny bit smarter than I gave them credit for, because they effectively forced everyone to come to school on a Saturday just to make us sit for our papers.

And by creating an exam like situation by making us sit according to the name list and making us do all the other exam formalities, they've managed to actually make people study for monthly tests. And by people, I'm not included :p taking full advantage of the state of mind people are put in by this. sigh, scumbag school -_-

Probably the only few good things that came out from this was that my bag probably weighed 500grams, nobody disturbed my sleep, no homework, and the satisfaction from my small act of rebellion for blanking answers, refusing to study anything and sleeping before checking my paper at all.

Ya sure, pretty normal for most people, but my usual kiasu self would never allow me to do that. Neverever.

Other than that, I've started going for athletics training (finally) after a month of concentrating fully on volleyball. School training is definitely less tiring than the training I went through in Cameron's and in more ways than one I'm thankful for that.

*

Sometimes I look back at my younger self, and I realize how much more willing I was to go the extra mile for the things I hated doing compared to now. Now, my focus and dedication is laser point. I give my all when doing things I love, and give almost nothing at all when it comes to things I hate eg. Librarian work, class work, homework etc

It's not that I'm lazy or anything. I just can't bring myself to give two shits about things that only cause me misery anymore. I've had enough of shit during my lower secondary years, when I still did the class board the best I possibly could, when I willingly cooperated with my library teacher, and when I still bothered copying people's homework.

I think something deep inside me snapped some time ago, and i just gave up on everything I didn't like. I work differently now. My sense of responsibility towards things like my volleyball club, Kembara and athletics training is especially high. I feel the need to push myself for these things.

Others, not so.

Toodles noodles :)

Mssd & msss 2012

2012-02-04T12:29:00.001+08:00

Mssd.

I was nervous as heck. I was afraid of so many possibilities. I couldn't bring myself to trust every member of my team, and in the end we lost all the games in the semi finals.

We couldn't even secure third place, and I feel responsible for that. I still feel regret for making wrong decisions, but life is life, and one must move on.

Even so, in an unexpected turn of events, I was selected to be in the second selection for the district team. My teacher advisor had put my name in at the last minute, to fill up empty spaces in the team and I was to fight for my place in the real team with 13 others.

It was a bittersweet moment, because I knew that i couldn't make it in because of my skill, but only because my teacher was nice enough to put in my name. I was disappointed because my two friends who had accompanied me throughout this experience couldn't make it in to the second selection with me.

I still took this chance with an open mind and I was determined to fight for my place in the team no matter how incompetent I thought myself to be.

Msss.

I walked into catholic high for the first training session feeling lost. All the rest came in pairs or groups, with multiple players chosen from their school. I was, alone. Nevertheless, I completed my training, made a feeble attempt to socialize and went back feeling more confident that I was going to be kicked out than ever.

Training was hard. Even so, everyday was less emotionally tough as the days passed by. I was making friends, and I finally felt that I was improving. I was given the position of libero and I trained my butt off for it everyday. Looking back, I feel accomplished for being able to do 1000 digs against the wall, being able to dig a float serve, and being able to hold my own against every other member of the team. I discovered so much about myself in the process of working myself half to death.

I'm so grateful for being able to be under the instruction of not one, but two national coaches. I'm so blessed to be able to train one on one with a national player. I'm so blessed to be able to play with the best team in petaling Utama.

During the last day of training, coach andy had us play against the u15 team (which is actually really good for their age) with a 10 point handicap for every set. We lost most of the sets, because of the handicap but for the last set, coach took away the handicap and let both sides start with a score of 0-0.

That was the best game we ever played as a team, by my observations.

My first time walking into the kuala selangor stadium swept me off my feet. An air conditioned indoor court with the floor as smooth as it should be, no irritating trees, wind and sunshine to disturb anyone. It was all very new to me.

The two days passed by in a blur. I honestly didn't play well at all, but I've come to forgive myself for it. We made it into finals and I came back from msss with my one and possibly only msss medal that I'll ever get.

I'll treasure this experience for life :)

piling.

2012-01-11T23:45:00.004+08:00

as i walked in to school today, i noticed how dark the sky still was, despite it being almost 7.30am already, and the bright round moon still hanging around overlooking the city below. the past few days have been mentally challenging for me, and i know for sure now, that i need more life experiences.

what makes a good leader, a good leader?

i've struggled with this question for the past few days, and i've found it hard to find an answer within myself. i've been told that being a captain of a sports team definitely means that you will be hated, and hated badly for every decision you make that isn't in the interest of particular individuals. everytime you raise your voice, you will earn spite. everytime you fumble, there's always that one member that will forever pick on it and hate you, forever.

despite knowing all of this i decided to take this responsibility positively. even so, i feel the stress from trying to keep everyone happy, create a team bond between the main players, and keeping my sanity in check weighing down on me, hard. i feel like i'm being crushed by individual expectations of me, and what im supposed to be capable of doing.

it's hard, not having a coach. i don't have years of experience, and neither have i ever been selected as even a district player. i'm nothing, compared to many others. yet, i try my best to research and find out the best way to train a team of people without pissing all of them off to the point of quitting. it's hard, because im not a good enough player to be respected. i have no reason to be respected, and for that, i cannot order people around with them always thinking that i have their best interest in mind.

i am simply too weak and inexperienced.

i also have too much too learn. i don't know the right way to respect people. under pressure, i become a complete bitch. under pressure, i cannot perform, yet, i must tell my team members to perform better.

i have to be a hypocrite.

im not so naive to think that 'everyone's going to have a spectacular time during training and nobody goes home angry'. bitch please, i go home angry at myself everyday, because when i reflect, im actually a horrible person.

one can only try and fail so many times.

it's hard to try to not be disheartened. it's hard to stay positive. it's hard when you hear rumours about people around you hating you for putting in effort. it's disheartening to know that everything you've done in the best interest of everyone has gone to waste, because they hate you for it.

i wish that we have a coach. at least another figure that's not in the team to command us, and tell our rights from our wrongs. someone who can command the respect of the team without garnering excessive hate. a simply put, a coach. but it's already too late to hope, and at best i can only bring in a coach for 2 days over the weekend, discreetly so i don't get screwed over by the school.

i want to try my best, for everyone. four days left. :/

twinge ;

2012-01-09T00:31:00.000+08:00

the thoughts hurling themselves around in my head, as i toss and turn in my bed. GTFO. i need to sleep, really. ):

it's early monday morning. there's school in less than 7 hours and i'm already tired from thinking about the day ahead tomorrow. i don't like rotting with nothing to do but sit in front of my computer, waiting for my twitter timeline and facebook newsfeed to magically update themselves while my butt grows evermore huge and fluffy from overuse. i also don't like doing things that require effort, eg. paying attention in class.

don't like doing things and don't like not doing things. the hell is wrong with me. -__-

*

i feel distant. i think i've spent too long away from home. i think i've spent too long without interacting with my friends. then again, that might not be the case. what if somewhere in my subconsciousness, i still feel bitter about many things. bitter about things that will seem so incredibly meaningless to other people.

im such a petty person.

walk away.

2012-01-07T00:24:00.001+08:00

i have spent a total of 3 days in school and i already feel like shitting bricks.

first of all, volleyball mssd is going to be held on the 31st of january. MSSM ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? WHO CAME UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT. minusing the chinese new yar holidays, i only have at the most 8 training sessions with the team. EIGHT. combined with my self-training which i will be doing every other day, i hope to have at least 17-18 training sessions with outside teams. which means i have to train everyday starting from this sunday.

how to not be stressed till you wanna die. pn ernice i miss you so much that im going to give you a call today and cry. ):

im also starting to get freaked out by spm, which is still a long time away, but from experience, time freaking flies when you're busy. and im going to be pretty busy for the first few months of the year. i find that sometimes i expect too much from myself, but im too lazy to give my all in things that i don't enjoy, namely studying.

how, you tell me how.

my back is also worrying me. im constantly in fear that my scoliosis has progressed further and i might have to get a titanium rod in my back, limiting me for the rest of my life. i know that i have to follow up on my treatment, but the brace is restrictive and uncomfortable. not only that, i have major body issues to deal with already even without the usage of the brace. wearing the brace is definitely a physically and mentally challenging ordeal which i've for now given up on. im too weak to face this many things at once, and the brace is definitely one of the bigger howdyousayy weights on my shoulders.

and in an unrelated matter, there's this idiot who decided to move to australie without telling anyone about it, until the last minute. big bitch. i want to spike him repeatedly with a volleyball.

k bye.

2011 in review.

2012-01-02T00:14:00.001+08:00

looking back at 2011, i can safely say that i've had a year filled with joy, laughter, anguish, anger, sadness, and accomplishment. i feel that i've grown a whole lot in a span of 365 days, and most of that growing up was done during the various camps i've attended throughout the year. i've learnt to value people, and their efforts, no matter how small and insignificant they may seem. i've learnt that showing people how much you value them, will let them feel a sense of importance and belonging.

i've learnt how to tolerate others, despite finding their flaws irritating and almost unbearable. i've learnt a great deal about myself by exploring the outside world.

through the failure of many things, i've realised that everything is a lesson, if taken with the right mindset. and most of all, i've been blessed enough to be able to make so many amazing friends throughout the year that i have come to treasure. these people don't show their love through liking your picture on facebook or making you feel popular. they show it through their actions in the real world, and for me, that's what really counts.

i hope that in 2012, i'll be able to grow more asa person and meet more people who can broaden my horizons. i hope that i'll be able to find my true calling and find a way to realise it. i hope that i can graduate from school with little or no regrets, and be prepared enough for spm towards the end of the year.

i also hope that the world does not end. (:

bukit tengkorak, tawau.

laban rata, mt kinabalu. freezing in the cold, wearing room slippers like bosses. (:

mt kinabalu. freezing cold. really freezing cold.

park HQ. (:

white water rafting at padas river.

at the peak of mt kinabalu, looking like pig shit. (:

sunrise at sabah tea with shainaaaaaaaa. (:

random posing with michelle, dinesh, matthew, shaina and leon. :D

tip of borneo.

crocker range. (:

sending li shan's post card. :P

happy new year everyone. ((((:

because you're my dearly beloved.

2011-12-06T14:33:00.001+08:00

you can sigh the day away, but nothing will ever change.

i've learnt that the only person you should trust wholeheartedly is yourself. simply believing is not enough. prayer without action is not enough. only through your own actions, without reliance on any external factors, done right with strong determination and perseverence will bring you to the place you wish to be in.

prayer can give you the determination, and the strength. advice can help shine light on your path. but in the end, everything is up to you to decide.

i will not be a parasite.

tired.

2011-12-05T21:23:00.001+08:00

to be honest, im really tired of everyone and everything around me.

i find that people now take my patience, and even my whole existence for granted. the little things that people usually take to heart, i let them go, no grudges beared whatsoever. i think people tend to overlook the fact that i actually have feelings and can actually feel hurt by tiny little insensitive remarks. not only remarks, but the little gestures that they choose to overlook are no less hurtful to me, than it is to any other person.

simple things like birthday gifts are yknow,

nevermind. anything i say will make me sound like a demanding little prat who's just craving for attention. i don't need anything, but sometimes little things like this make people feel important to others, and frankly now, i just feel like a disposable addition. no of course i understand, you need time for yourselves, and your parties, and your friends, and your parents, and your school and your church and your camps and your *insert interesting activity*

i understand completely. i am just ranting here, in my little space in the cyber world.

i want to run until i puke stomach acid. i want to run so long, and so hard that i forget how much shit the world is really made of. i don't want to face anyone except myself, and to run is basically to face yourself, and only yourself. losing yourself in the rhythm of your steps, breath and the beating of your heart.

that's what i need right now.

add to the fact that i feel like puking out my meal everytime i eat now, i can say that my problems are having are jolly great time surfacing alltogether and shoving themselves at my face. it's not easy, having bad body image. you feel the need to do drastic things to change yourself, and trust me you don't care whether you ruin yourself, because dying early might not be such a bad thing anyways.

k enough. im not in the right state of mind to type a proper post. but then again, i can't lie that my life's all rainbows and butterflies, so here i type a sneak peek in to my unstable and fragile mind.

bye.

2011-12-04T19:47:00.001+08:00

selfish.

limits.

2011-12-01T15:56:00.001+08:00

the athletics training camp at cameron highlands has taught me a lot of things about myself.

i've always had this preconceived notion that all the athletes do is run, run and run more, repeating the same pattern day in and day out. now i know that running is so much more of a technical sport, requiring a humongous amount of self-discipline and determination. i would slap my former self now for formulating such idiotic stereotypes of runners and what they do to become good at what they do.

the amount of times i wanted to give up and cry during the camp was uncountable. every training session required me to push myself to the absolute limits of my physical and mental capabilities. i was constantly battling against my fears and insecurities about my own capabilities. but looking back, im proud because for every time i wanted to give up, i used any method necessary to tell myself to go on and complete the task at hand.

the body is stronger than the mind.

i can say that i've been unfair towards the school athletes, in terms of my way of thinking about them. during this camp, i've thrown the 'athlethes are snobbish people' stereotype out the window, along with many others. these people work hard to be where they are at, and no matter how much trouble they cause in school, one cannot doubt the blood, sweat and tears that go into their training. nobody can become the best without effort.

there were a few really really tough parts during training.

i hated the morning jogs like MAD. 45 minutes of jogging starting at 6 30 in the morning, every alternate day was hell. we jogged around the housing area (which was hilly) with miss malathi's eagle eyes scanning around for any athletes walking instead of jogging. torturing was the word to describe it.

we also ran, or 'drive' as they call it up a few hills. we started with a mildly steep hill in the housing area we stayed at. the girls ran up 18 times and the boys did 25 times. being one of the first few days we were there, the hill run was torturous. the second hill we did was the temple hill. this hill was had a 45 degree-ish slant all the way up for about 50 metres. again, 18 times for girls and 25 times for the guys. i was huffing and puffing by the time i reached up, every single time. i did it at my own pace (which was damn slow) but finished it nonetheless.

even so, none of those can even compare to the mental and physical torture the arabella steps gave me. it's basically 4 flights of staircases on the arabella hill leading up to an apartment complex. we did this workout twice throughout this camp, the second time with more reps than the first. we had to high-knee up the staircase many MANY times and by the time we were done, our legs vibrating more than your typical massage chair.

never ever will i do that again.

of course, every single session had its own difficulties, but i guess these few had enough impact on me to make me remember it vividly.

all the form 4's. (:

after afternoon training at the field. selangor team warming up/down in the background. :P

after the road relay on the second last day.

the always-the-last-people-downstairs-putting-the-shoes-on-the-canvas gang.

(((:

after the malaysian football team won the sea games finals at midnight. jayse went bonkers i tell you.

i don't regret making the decision to go at all. even if i don't become an athlete, the experiences i've had in this camp made every minute of suffering worthwhile. i've discovered so much about myself, and the people around me through the challenges that we faced together.

being the lousiest person in the camp didn't matter much. i know i improved in one way or another and that's all that matters to me now. (:

fickle.

2011-11-19T11:28:00.001+08:00

there's been alot on my mind lately. too many tough decisions, too little time. sometimes i wish i could just take the easy way out, and run away from these things instead of facing them head on. then again, if i ever do that, i'll never be able to reap the benefits of anything, because of my fear of taking risks.

i have about a day left to decide whether to go to camerons. since li shan decided not to go, my decision became that much harder to make, not only because i'll basically be going there ALONE, but also because im a complete outsider there. it's not easy to mix with people who already have preconceived notions of your incapability to live up to their standards. it's not easy to shake off my own perception that some of these people will probably look down on me, constantly, just because i haven't been one of them from the beginning.

there's also this problem with club loyalty. if i ever happen to have to make the choice between volleyball and athletics, i will definitely choose volleyball in a heartbeat, if my mindset in the future remains as it is now. what if one day in the near future, i will have to choose either one, because of stress and studies? what if i crumble under the pressure of having to commit to two clubs which demand equal amounts of time and commitment?

what if i can't meet the expectations of either, and die in the process.

what makes it an even bigger dilemma is that once i attend this camp, there's no return. i have to join, or i'll simply be wasting the school's money and sir's time.

and what if i really am a talent-less waste of time. :/

but then again, this is a really great chance to train myself up physically and mentally for mt kinabalu. not to say that im incapable of training myself, but this would definitely be better than any other training regime i could think of by myself. there's also the environment and the understood fact that everyone's there to train. there's no such thing as being weak, and quitting or slacking. my sense of responsibility would overcome any weakness that is present in my mind, at that time.

argh, typing this out doesn't make a difference anymore. the pros and cons are almost equal. maybe there are no cons after all, and im just making excuses for myself.

dammit.

leaders.

2011-11-15T15:49:00.001+08:00

note : cameron highlands is still freaking cold.

last weekend, i was at a leadership camp held in cameron highlands, organised by my school. li shan and myself were VERY last minute additions to this camp, only confirming our attendance less than 24 hours before the camp (not our fault).

at first i had cold feet and many doubts about going, especially on the morning of the camp. nevertheless, i forced myself out of bed that day and started packing at 6 in the morning. another ~~unavoidable~~ situation caused by my own laziness. :P some time during the first day, i discovered that the camp was actually 4 days long instead of 3 days. epic FAILURE. li shan was also on the same boat as i was so we're both equally blur and stupid in that sense.

the second day was theory all the way. nothing much to talk about that day really, besides how tired and grumpy we all were because long boring days just makes everyone grumpy like that.

the following day (that's day 3 for you idiots) was by far the best out of all the days. we trekked for about 5 hours in the morning at one of the hills in cameron highlands. the hike wasn't too bad, but my precious new shoes got pretty dirty and that broke my heart more times than once. that picture at the beginning of this post was taken about midway through the hike, with a valley as the backdrop. it looks much better in real life. (:

in the evening, we went to the field to play ice &fire and dodge ball. imagine running on a muddy field, with puddles of water littered all over the field and athletes chasing after you. imagine trying to make a 90 degree turn and ending up sliding like a baseball player does when he reaches his last base. that was me. (:

to add to that, it started pouring right when we were going to start our dodge ball match. being reckless teenagers, we decided to play on in the rain, in the middle of the field. epic shizz i tell you. but then, the walk home was torture, since cameron highlands temperature + rain + wind = DEATH. the walk home was also more than 1km long, so you can sorta guess how freaking cold we were during the trip home.

it was still the best under-the-rain experience i've ever had though. (:

i made a lot of new friends during this camp, most of them being lower 6ers. they're a really friendly batch, considering that the form 6 students are usually a separate entity from the entire school. i've also realised that as a person, i still have loads to learn and experience.

i have to say, this was an awesome experience. (:

TOODLES.

why streamyx is a big fat bitch.

2011-11-09T23:30:00.004+08:00

i dedicate this post to my favourite company in the entire world Telekom Malaysia, more specifically, their sub-company which provides internet services to my fellow malaysians, streamyx.

streamyx has always been notorious for laggy internet, unstable connections and other stupid things that people encounter while using their internet services. their service hotline is also full of bullshit, providing bullshit excuses when you enquire about the utterly deplorable download speed and stupid internet connection that you're recieving.

these problems have only escalated with the introduction of Unifi, malaysia's first fibre optic based internet service which is severely overpriced and only provides internet speeds on par with other developed countries. since the introduction of unifi, the speed of the internet provided by streamyx has become increasingly shitty, up to the point where i sit in front of my computer for up to 5 minutes waiting for a single web page to load.

THIS.SHOULD.NOT.BE.HAPPENING.

i am a paying customer (at least my mom is) who settles her bills (actually my mom does but it's the some thing) on time, every month of every year since i've (my mom) started using this service. NOW YOU GIVE ME (my mom) THIS KIND OF CRAP? SCREW YOU STREAMYX.

of course, i've come up with my own little conspiracy theory as to why streamyx is only getting shittier and shittier.

with the introduction of (the overpriced) unifi internet service, streamyx has begun to purposely slow down and shitti-fy their internet connection, so to irritate current users in to complete fed-up-ness and give in to their desires for faster and more hassle free internet, which is unifi. of course, you pay a hell load more for the service, but you add back a few years to your life since you don't spend your time cursing and even dedicating entire blog posts to show how much you detest your internet provider. if you are prone to getting strokes or heart attacks when you encounter strong surges of emotions, i suggest you switch your internet provider to unifi immediately. at least it'll be less expensive than your hospital bill.

other evidence to support my complaints, well actually i only have 1 piece of evidence but it's good enough.

EXHIBIT A.

behold, the shit i face every freaking day. that's not even 1/10 of the internet speed im supposed to be getting. actually, it's barely 1/20. WTF.

tomorrow, im going to call up their service hotline again, and scream at the poor bloke at the other end of the line, and send them this picture. YEARGH, THEY BETTER BE SCARED.

when it rains

2011-11-03T18:42:00.000+08:00

exams are over, results are flooding back in, and im................. not going to complete this sentence. if i complain and sulk over anything i have now, god will strike me with lightning and cremate me on the spot. i will be happy, and thankful for everything i've received up to now. i will not be an insensitive prick and go on and on about things that could-have-been.

im happy enough as it is. i shall not pit myself against robots like yujing, for doing that will only cause me misery and discontentment. i will be happy, since i've improved drastically in almost every subject, except civics (ah but who cares about that. :P). i've managed to work through my insecurities concerning chemistry, and im happy to say that i've more than exceeded my own expectations, without the use of tips.

again, i do not deserve to be unhappy.

just one teeny tiny little disappointment though. BM. im glad i did well for paper 2, but paper 1 was just, abysmal. i screwed up one hugee part of that paper, and couldn't even manage to score 50% on that paper. BUT NEVERMIND, THIS JUST MEANS I NEED BM TUITION. settled. done. kapeesh. (:

ok no more moping. im, a happy kid. content for now, but always striving to improve.

(:

-

2011-11-01T20:36:00.002+08:00

my conscience is saved but my spirit is broken.

i don't know whether my decision to abstain from taking tips is right anymore. i know that everyone studies the tips only, or at least most of them do. they have more time to concentrate on the things that are actually coming out, instead of meticulously going through every word, equation, calculation and experiment from every single chapter.

of course it's not fair. then again, i made it that way, my egoistic self too proud to accept help when it's already being given. too ignorant to accept the fact that i could actually be jeopardising myself in this futile act of proving my own self-worth.

too stupid to realise that i was digging my own grave.

i don't expect a top 10 position in my class this term - there are going to be people who will be scoring excellent marks for every single subject. i don't expect anything from myself, really. throughout this whole examination period, i've slowly begun to realise how wrong my own perception of myself was. i am a conceited, proud bitch who doesn't deserve to do well in anything. i have a huge ego, but no means to sustain my egoistic behaviour. i envy those who do well, but i'm too lazy to put in the adequate effort.

i am a big, fat, glob of disgusting and deplorable behavior. i am a living example of a horrible human being.

0100

2011-11-01T01:01:00.000+08:00

it's almost 1am in the morning now. it's actually november already, and im up late studying chemistry. what a pathetic way to usher in a new month. ):

the hardships faced by science students. sigh.

back to studying. i wanted to type out a really long winded post about my current feelings, but then i realised that by this time the day after tomorrow, i will not feel like so anymore.

i shall not mope. (:

xx, oo, ++, xoxo, whatever. (:

extreme pain.

2011-10-29T23:56:00.002+08:00

i can't wait to get away from this material centered world, even if it's only for 3 short weeks.

i can't stand society. i can't stand how people just do things for the sake of improving their image. there's a lot of things i hate about society nowadays, but i just can't word it in a mind-blowing way, so i won't.

the point is, i want to go somewhere, where people don't care about how they dress, where they don't need to put up a stupid facade where they just show whatever that's good about themselves, a place where people don't need to wear stupid expensive pretty clothes to impress others, a place where everyone can be stupid and look horrible together, and be stupidly happy about it.

i don't want to be pressured by society to become a spending fiend, or an attention whore, because the way i see it, those traits are becoming the norm in society nowadays. everyone wants to fit in. period.

in a world where the number of pictures you have on facebook, followers you have on twitter, and people who like your statuses denote your worth in the world, i want to be able to NOT GIVE A SHIT. i want to silently do whatever that pleases me, whether it conforms to the norm or not, and find true friends who don't care about social statuses and all that crap. i want to find a place in the world, popular or not, and be comfortable in my own skin, happy with the things i do, with companions that i can treasure for life.

i don't need to be at the top of the food chain, because when you're over there, whether you like it or not, people will hate you, trash talk you and bitch about you without restraint. if it's a hassle to get there and a hassle to be there, i'd rather not step in to that realm at all.

i'd rather be comfortable. (see the word 'I'? that means im not commenting on YOUR lifestyle, but instead, im simply stating how I choose to live. if you don't agree with me, then, um, yeah you don't need to agree with me. (: )

PEACE OUT.

dawgs.

2011-10-28T12:05:00.000+08:00

taken on full auto. really no mood to st everything nicely today. plus, my dogs move around WAYY TOO MUCH.

engulfed.

2011-10-21T22:20:00.004+08:00

i'm pretty sure that my sanity has been significantly compromised over the past few days. the gruelling exam period is well, gruelling. im not one to put in my all and work hard during normal exams, but this time around, i think i gave more than i've ever given.

i have never in my life, burned midnight oil for anything before. sleep was always more important. sleep was, and is, and will always be a fundamental part of my life. i always chose sleep. ALWAYS. this time around, i stayed up till 2.30 am in the morning to study biology. of course, i did study until really late for all my other more difficult subjects too, but biology took the cake.

i have violated my "SLEEP OVER STUDY" principle. i have failed myself. but then again, if i didn't do so, i can bet that i would've done much worse than i thought i did today. upper secondary IS different, and really is a big leap from the easygoing world of lower secondary. and to think i was terrified of PMR.

psht, silly child.

im at a crossroad in my life. or rather, there are no roads for me to take at all, because i can't see myself as anything in the future. i can't even see what college i'll be in. what program i want to take in college. which subjects pique my interests. I KNOW NOTHING. it's already decision time next year, and the only thing i definitely know is, I WANT A SCHOLARSHIP. a full scholarship that will allow me to further my studies overseas. but the options are endless, and i can't apply for one if i don't even know what i want to do.

i've never felt so lost before. the worst thing is, i know there's no easy way out, no way to cut corners, and no way to know when i'll find my answer. i don't want to make a silly mistake now and suffer for the rest of my life. ):

*

anyways, now, im all out for bringing my normal self back. trying to rectify all the damage done by excessive studying will be no easy feat! :P

taa, marshmallows.

makes me wonder.

2011-10-17T22:40:00.001+08:00

another 2 weeks or so of exams. im dying already actually, especially because of my 12-hour stint with history. i sat at my bloody table for 12 hours, trying to memorise a year's worth of work in a day. am i not the most fabulously lazy person on earth. even so, i have to give myself a pat on the back, for being able to concentrate for so long. i've always thought that i max out my concentration at 3 hours. seems that im capable of that much more, under extreme stress and an elevated sense of urgency.

it's moral tomorrow though. yet another useless subject coined by the malaysian government. why do we even take moral if the whole point of the subject is to memorize stupid ass definitions which i purge from my brain 2 seconds after the paper is over. i could be the most rotten kid to the core, going out doing drugs smoking having premarital sex and all, and i could still get an A for moral. what's the point of the subject, if being good at the subject doesn't actually mean you're a good person.

FAIL AGAIN, EDUCATION MINISTRY.

oh what else, they plan to revert the medium of instruction of science and mathematics to BM. DYOU WISH TO BRING OUR COUNTRY BACK TO THE DINO AGES. do not give the 'upholding the national language' bullshit. what's the whole point of educating an entire generation in BM, WHEN THEY ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO RE-LEARN EVERYTHING IN ENGLISH AGAIN LATER IN LIFE. don't give the 'english is not an effective medium of instruction' excuse. the students should not be blamed for the fault of the teachers. it's the TEACHER'S fault, for not improving his/her proficiency of the language. all because we have shitty teachers, we have this sort of problem.

omg pissed off now. i hate to say this, but my entire generation of kids have been put through a roller coaster in terms of education, all because the government enjoys changing their policies on whim. or because they're terrified and they want voters. well, in the long term, i can say the number of students who are actually capable that's going to be churned out is going to be miniscule in the coming years. the more well off are going to migrate, the brighter ones and going to seek scholarships, and the rest of them.... yeah. the ones with the strings of 'A's' in public examinations, but can't even hold a proper conversation in english. the PHD holders with shoplot university qualifications. they stay here.

i fear. i really fear.

in case you are super against everything i just said, i am merely exercising my freedom of speech. *wink*

sad truth.

2011-10-14T22:13:00.001+08:00

there's loads of things i want to do, but just cannot.

1. i sound almost robotic playing musical instruments.

i think the overuse of the left side of my brain has severely compromised my ability to put any amount of soul in to the music i play, and instead giving me slightly higher developed math skills and memory than a normal kid. in short, im a freaking doomed product of 11 years of asian education. sometimes i wonder why i can't play music like you know, wonderfully, since i've been involved in music since i was a kid and all. maybe these kinds of things are preset, and if you have it, you have it, if you don't, too bad.

2. i can't run for nuts.

proven. definite. even when i was a small naive little child who's general outlook of life was still bright. i've always been this slow thing that could never face anyone. i was afraid to run, actually. even so, i'm comforted by knowing that my stamina has been pretty trainable. it would increase two-fold in a really really short amount of time, but then i would lose it just as fast. funny, how my body works. one day i can run 6kms and 2 weeks after i would be huffing and puffing at 2km.

3. i cannot fit in crowds easily.

shy la dei. really, i envy people who can just walk up to others, smile and becoming friends just like that.

4. i am probably masochistic.

to those of you who don't know what a masochist it, google it please. i happen to pile up my work and push myself to a dead end. i end up regretting that i've taken on such huge responsibilities and end up having a mental breakdown, half angry at the whole world for causing me so much stress but nevertheless, i keep coming back for more. another thing is, jogging until i feel stitches in my stomach, or until i puke, is a non-issue. i happen to do it quite often actually. thus, my realisation that i've been exhibiting signs of masochism for a very long time indeed.

5. i have self-control issues.

whenever i start some new game, or i start reading this really interesting book or manga, i get out of control. i cannot stop myself, or rather, i choose not to stop myself. i guess one reason for this is that these games/ books/ mangas have totally different realities compared to mine, and i usually start doing all these kinds of things when im not in a very good place in my own life, or im facing stressful situations. in short, it's my way of running away from reality, even if it's just for abit. it's like how some people binge on food, or how some people study till their brains fall out. i just, read and play games.

6. i'm mean.

straightforward, blunt, unforgiving. i refuse to sugar coat truths because i think sometimes it's cheating a person of the full impact of the matter. im a pretty mean person. i also crack sarcastic jokes out of insecurity. i can't list down any examples of that now, but im pretty sure i do. i also happen to put down people who have things that i want, which is a really bad thing which i must get out of my system immediately.

k enough self bashing for today. im pretty inspired by myself actually, and even though it's counter-intuitive, self reflection is good. laughing about how worthless you are is also good. it's a healthy practice, really. puts your whole world back in to perspective for awhile. (:

war.

2011-10-12T22:32:00.000+08:00

it looks like smartphone brand loyalties are THE new religion nowadays. with the recent release of the iphone 4s, techies, apple haters, and samsung worshippers alike probably had the best field day of their lives, smacking the lack of innovation in the new iphone.

WARNING : the following article that i'm about to write is obviously biased towards apple so samsung worshippers and apple haters alike, do avert your eyes.

first of all, im pretty disappointed in the reason the majority of people who have apparently 'switched alliances' to samsung. apparently it's mostly because apple didn't change the design and outer casing of the updated iphone 4s. wait a minute, was there ever a problem with the design of the iphone 4? would you like spikes sticking out of your iphone 4s? or maybe it would be easier to operate if it was triangular. hexagonal perhaps? (:

some people also complained about the size of the screen being smaller than the samsung s2. uhm, if you like big screens, please proceed to buy yourself a tablet. the reason why people cap the size of phone screens, especially those on touch screen phones, is so that you don't feel like you're carrying around a slab of dense ass cheese when you shove your phone into your pocket.

yes, the samsung s2 is the bomb. they came up with the technology that is on the iphone 4s, last year. i've never used, or even touched either phones, so i believe that i have no right to comment on the usability of either. but of course, brand loyalty and my biased opinion towards apple products obviously require me to believe that apple products pwn.

of course, i was slightly let down by the decision that apple made to come up with the 4s instead of the iphone 5. even so, one must remember that apple said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about what phone they were going to release. they were so tight lipped about it that the media went crazy, creating an image of a new iphone that performs miracles, as well as weigh 0.1gms, disappear into thin air after you lock the screen and also summon a hippo. obviously this media over-hype caused the image of the new iphone to be inflated and nonsensical, thus creating this wave of disappointment everywhere after they were knocked back into reality. to be frank, i think some people thought the new iphone would be as miraculous as Jesus himself. at least, they were led to believe so.

do i want an iphone 4s? sure as hell i do. i go to apple's official website everyday, praying that it'll arive in malaysia faster than i think it will. would i ever be discouraged from getting it because of all these reviews and comments by samsung s2 supporters? never. i know what i love in apple products and although customisation looks appealing, the display, the apps and the overall layout of the phone doesn't suit my taste. safe to say that im one of those annoying apple fanatics who could, and would rave about apple products all day long, if given a chance.

at first, i was going to wage war against the S2, but what good would that be, since i would only be drawing from all the negative reviews i was reading off tech blogs. i must be fair, and stay silent about other smartphones, while raving about something i love. i also find that it's wrong to say that all iphone fanatics MUST hate the samsung s2. sigh, smartphone wars.

but in all honesty, apple products are pretty damn desirable, aren't they? (;

2011-10-08T19:48:00.000+08:00

sorry kiddos, i don't have much to say. ): exam stress ttm. *sigh.

lovey dovey manga,

2011-10-04T23:26:00.001+08:00

ruins your perspective of life.

how distorted could reality possibly get, just by reading a stupid comic with a stupid made up love story with stupid perfectly drawn, prettier than life characters with no other worry in life besides their destined love. your reailty gets pretty damn screwed up, if you ask me. and i speak from experience.

now, in understand why people get so obsessed with lovey dovey stories. now i understand why they get so pissed off when i ridicule their inability to firmly plant their feet in the real world. now i realise how much i long to be so freaking carefree, like these made up characters, and have my entire life story centered around that destined person.

they have so much going on in their lives (by their, i mean those fictional people) and im supposed to be the same age as most of the protagonists in these stories (16/17 years old). huhu guess what im doing at home.

yeah you guessed it la. eat sleep shit computer studyateenyweenybit repeat.

but then im a real person, living in the real world, and such stories do not happen. ever. at least they don't happen to me, because im a dull, gray, non extroverted person who prefers listening to drama insteasd of being involved in it. (:

novels don't have the same effect. novels leave alot up to the mind to decipher, like the contours of someone's face, the shapes of the eyes, the small stuff that's too bothersome to explain in detail. in manga, these things are not left to the imagination. heck, everything's laid out on a platter for you, ready for your weak-ass heart to gobble up. leaves you in pieces, they do.

mmph, I UNDERSTAND YOU NOW, LOVE SICK FOOLS. )':

-

2011-09-23T21:56:00.001+08:00

When we are first born, all we know is how to want. We want food, we want attention. It's a natural instinct. But kindness is something that we all have to learn as we go. It's something that grows and develops slowly over time. True kindness isn't something we are born with, it's something we have to work at. We have to mold it and shape it within ourselves. Not everyone has it, but I think everyone has the potential.

running in fear.

2011-09-18T22:18:00.001+08:00

i always have dreams that involve me being chased by something, or someone.

i am always running away. some dreams end in me dying after i get caught, and in some dreams i just will myself away, and im out of the situation, and in some dreams i realise that it's not real and i wake up. i always wonder what it is i keep running away from when i wake up, because i never ever remember the face of whatever that's pursuing me.

i read about the meanings of dreams before and apparently, the dream of being chased is one of the most common scenarios that people dream of. my problem is it recurring over and over again.

and so i read this on another blog. quite interesting really.

Dreams of being chased probably have a deep, evolutionary origin. After all, our ancient ancestors actually were chased by all manner of predators, and this fear of being chased and caught has remained part of our hard wired nature.

Even today, after all fears of predation have been removed from our waking lives, dreams of being chased are there to remind us of our earlier animal nature. In modern societies, dreams of being chased can often arise from feelings of general anxiety experienced in the waking hours.

The way the dreamer responds to feels of pressure and anxiety while awake is often reflected in the dream state. Chase dreams can manifest themselves in a variety of ways. Often the dreamer will dream about being chased by an attacker or pursuer who the dreamer fears will hurt or kill them. In these dreams, the dreamer attempts to run from, hide from or otherwise outwit the pursuer. These dreams can often be very realistic, and chase dreams are some of the most commonly reported nightmares.

Chase dreams can be reactions to events in your waking life. For instance, there may be something you are supposed to do but have been avoiding. If this proposed action is a source of fear, stress and confusion, is can sometimes manifest in your dream life as an attacker or pursuer. Instead of facing your fear, you are running from it, and the attacker in your dreams represents the thing you are trying to get away from or avoid in real life.

People troubled by recurring dreams of being chased often benefit from an examination of their waking life. Finding the thing that they are running from in real life, and confronting it, is often an effective way of banishing frequent chase dreams.

In some cases the pursuer or attacker in a chase dream represents not an outside force but part of your self instead. Unresolved feelings of anger, jealousy and fear can often enter your dreams in the form of a threatening or frightening figure. In reality, the attacker in your dreams is a representation of these issues in your waking life.

Dreams where you are being chased can be easy to turn around for many people. Some people are better than others at taking an active role in their dream, but everyone who is aware of their dream should at least try to resolve a frightening dream. For instance, the next time you are being chased in a dream, try turning around and confronting the pursuer. Ask the pursuer what he or she wants and why they are chasing you.

People who are indulging in self destructive behaviors, or consumed by self destructive emotions like jealously or anger, are often troubled by dreams of being chased. Chase dreams can be an attempt by your subconscious to reach you and call attention to your self destructive behaviors.

still trying to decipher my own feelings. sigh, what problems do i need to confront. ):

impact.

2011-09-16T01:45:00.003+08:00

That's why people hesitate. In front of all the choices, one could lose hope and try to run away, because no excuse could be used. No matter how dangerous the long journey in life was, or how one admits to being dealt the short end of the stick, everything was the result of one's own choices, it was a road chosen by oneself. Even if this path is hard, and there's no chance of changing past choices, one cannot place the blame on other people. No matter how angry or frustrated one was, one would be alone on that path, for one cannot be replaced.

i love quotes like this. these types of quotes aren't one-sided and self-satisfactory. these types of quotes make people confront themselves, instead of creating a false self-justification for wrongdoings.

for example,

People only hate you because they're jealous of who you are.

whatt kind of bullshit is this. i don't only hate people because im jealous of them. heck who even does that anyways? obviously this is one-sided. obviously people would retweet, reblog, post this on their facebook just because it makes them feel like they have done no wrong when the whole world hates them.

There's something in this world that no one has seen before. It is gentle and sweet. Maybe if it could be seen, everyone would fight over it. That's why no one has ever seen it. The world hid it so that no one could get their hands on it easily. However, someday, someone will find it. The person who deserves it the most will definitely find it.

this, sounds 100000000000000 times cooler in japanese. (:

taaa.

being punctual.

2011-09-10T16:39:00.002+08:00

if you do not respect the value of time, it's sufficient to say that i'll probably hate you.

all my life i've been made to wait, and wait, and wait by my mother after tuitions, after-school activities and anything else you can think of. the same has happened to all my siblings, and frankly speaking, this is one of the worst traits i can think of in a person.

the inability to be punctual means that you have no respect for time, and other people's time. you do not value people's patience, and instead take it for granted that people are nice enough to wait for you. all this means that you are a selfish, self-centered bastard who doesn't know how to appreciate people.

i will never date anyone who doesn't respect my time.

and to all of you who're being judgemental now thinking 'well who the hell are you to say that people who are a tiny bit late are who you think they are. i bet you've been late yourself'.

har har. the record for the longest time i've had to wait for my mother EVER before is 2 hours and 45 minutes at my music centre. the amount of time i usually have to sit outside my tuition centre is about an hour. the amount of time my family usually waits for my mum to get ready to go for dinner is about half an hour. the amount of time i've wasted in my life standing around, staring at ceilings is unimaginable. and i can never take the time i've lost back.

being at the recieving end of people's inability to be punctual sucks. please be an understanding human being and make it on time, everytime, so you do not waste people's precious minutes, hours and days, waiting for you.

and i hate making people wait too, by the way.

random thoughts on faith.

2011-09-09T23:29:00.000+08:00

im pretty much a freethinker. yes, i have a religion (one that you probably have not heard of before in your life) but i only follow it because my parents practice it. period.

one may say that religion is so central to their life that they cannot imagine life without it. well, im about to run you through it right now.

i do not go to temples, churches, and so on a specific day of the week. i do not pray to any specific god regularly. i am not so deprived of spiritual guidance as you probably think i am right now, aren't you?

this is the thing with some believers. you superimpose your own beliefs on everyone else and expect people to graciously accept your reasonings, telling people that you must believe in god, you must believe in my god, you must accept something that has not been scientifically proven, you must accept something that has been scientifically disproven anyways since it is the word of God, and so on. i understand your belief in god, and religion and so on, but when have people ever told you that god does not exist, or told you to abandon your religion to become a freethinker?

most probably never, right.

then why must you be so adamant to make everyone see the world as you do, as your god tells you to? why can't you accept that everyone has different perceptions on how the world is and accept it as it is. if you're happy with your spiritual development, good for you then, just don't tell other people to do what you do, because im sure if someone told you that you're wrong for practicing your religion, you'd be pissed. same with how you piss freethinkers off when you tell them they're wrong for not having a religion.

then again people argue with me, 'where is your moral compass?'.

darling, i have a moral code. i have a conscience. i know what's wrong, and what's right, morally. i have values. i do not need to have the fear of god to know that killing is bad, i do not need to fear being sent to hell because i know that stealing is wrong. i do not need to be afraid of the divine to tell the good from bad. do you see people without strong faith killing and stealing from you?

and then people tell me again, then what do you do when you hit rock bottom?

i cry, punch my pillow, and scream. then when im past that i think, i rationalise, and i solve problems. i do not look for a beacon of hope to magically appear to pull me out of my troubles. i do not wait to be rescued, instead i hope to have the strength to rescue myself. again, if you find strength in your god, good for you.

religion is such a touchy subject in this country. i don't like it that the textbooks glorify the 'official religion' of the country. i don't like the history syllabus of my country in general anyways. i don't like how politicans use the racial card to garner votes. i don't like how they accused christians of trying to convert muslims just because they were invited to a dinner at a church. i don't like how they use our diversity, to create discord and race and religion based hatred.

rather than arguing who's religion is better, i'd rather practice the good point of every religion without actually practicing a single one. then again, these are my views, my way of viewing life, my way of seeing the middle path in life. im just offering you insight into life without strong faith in god. if you don't like the way i live, then be happy and run along doing what you like and forget about this.

and no, this has nothing to do with lunch i had 2 weeks ago with newts, wen yang and matthew. that, was just plain funny. (:

(:

roadkill

2011-09-08T19:24:00.001+08:00

so, it's exactly one month to finals. honestly i can't remember what the hell i've been doing for the past 8 months for it to pass by so bloody fast, but im pretty sure it was a mixture of euphoria, heartache, stress, regrets and carefree moments. i feel like my life's passing by me in hyperspeed and before i can even stop to reflect on my actions, the moments flips by me, and im already expected to handle the next bundle of work/activities which i do not particularly enjoy.

why is it so. why can't my life pass by slowly for abit so i can stop to look back at my life and actually be proud of something i've done, instead of worrying about the report i have to finish and print and hand up by TONIGHT. not to forget the updated duty list, list of merits of every single librarian, updating the merit demerit book, SCREWING MY LAZY ASSISTANT'S LAZY ASS AND SENDING THE FAGGOT TO HELL.

yeah, i have alot on my plate right now. )':

though i may say that im really busy, i have to admit that i spend alot of time doing counter productive activities, such as reading 200 chapters of manga in less than 24 hours. obviously i spend most of my time being lazy, then realise at 10 something at night that i have a mountain load of unfinished work with looming deadlines. then i go into crazy workaholic mode and work until the wee hours in the morning. i honestly pride myself for being able to stay awake in school this morning after only getting 3 hours of sleep.

of course, zombie side-effects of sleep deprivation was included. basically, im mostly busy being lazy. sigh what a sad revelation.

NEVERTHELESS, i still get my work done (most of the time) on time (still bulldoze over deadlines alot) soooo the xinjin in the public's eye is still pretty much untarnished. I HOPE.

other than that, school's been ok, and life at home's been normal except for my lack of exercise. but that's only because im a fat lazy melon waiting for heart disease and obesity to come knocking on my door. k maybe not but i seriously lack the motivation nowadays because i couldn't care less about being fit now because there's no events to look forward too. not to mention that my jogging buddy's been very unbuddy-ish nowadays pms-ing like a sissy ass girl because of exam stress. can't blame people like that la. NO.MOTIVATION. )':

ah well, tomorrow if im up to it i'll go jog since the haze should clear off completely by then already. will probably have to start all the way from zero again. mmhm, that's the price of snacking on toast tapioca chips nutella raisin bread keropok etc during the one week hols.

BATTLE OF THE BULGE, I WILL WIN.

ciaoz. (:

if you want a happy ending, it depends on where you stop the story.

2011-09-02T23:50:00.000+08:00

the thing about using headphones 90% of the time nowadays whenever im on my laptop - im completely oblivious to my surroundings. like seriously, my neighbour's house could be bomb-ed (CHOI CHOI TOUCH WOOD) and i wouldn't even flinch. that's how deaf i am to everything around me.

depending on the situation, it becomes a bad thing, and a good thing. for instance, when im fed up with my mum screaming downstairs, headphones on, noise gone. but then when someone comes and peeks over my shoulder while im blogging or doing whatever nonsense on my laptop (which is greatly despised by every other teenager too) i don't notice either. which can be a bad thing because i don't like people peering into my secret life online *winks* okayy, maybe i don't do anything that could get me in trouble, but if my mum even gets a whiff of my blog url, im screwed for life. she will never ever let me off if she sees all the ramblings i do here. ):

just finished episode 10 of season 3 of white collar. they decided to pull a fast one on the viewers again and ended it with a nail biting, tapioca chips crunching cliffhanger. again. -____- now i need to wait until november to get the next episode. too much. *sob sob sob*

hmm. we're not so, close, anymore, aren't we. but friends are disposable, right? (:

something, then nothing.

2011-08-29T23:46:00.001+08:00

realisation hurts. the moment you start to believe that there may actually be something, the harsh reality of everything smacks you right in the face and suddenly you feel like you've been woken up from a really long dream.

suddenly you realise that everything was just a part of your delusional thoughts, conjured up by a heart craving for nothing more than warmth and care. like being thrown into cold water, the initial shock is almost painful, but once you settle down, life isn't so bad.

i'd rather live in reality than in a fleeting dream. i've been living in denial for too long, and now that i've finally come to terms with some harsh things, i feel almost refreshed. in short, im freaking happy la.

and i shall end my cryptic, abstract posting habits starting from now. (:

*

so, today my brother got me a pair of earphones. they're one shade lower than his, but it's good in it's own ways too. (: it's much MUCH lighter than his, and they fit my head better because they don't slip off all the time like how his does when i put them on. my pair didn't come with a bag, and they have a slightly more plastic-y feel to it, but nevertheless, i can sew a bag and presentation isn't much of a concern to me. i love my brother la.

no i don't only love my brother just because he bought me this, but because i couldn't have asked for a better fat pig in my house who bothers talking to my younger sister and i even though we have a pretty huge age gap, fetches us around and lowers his level of maturity just to make sure we're happy. yeah, definitely couldn't find another fat boi boi who's as nice as mine. (': headphones just as a added bonus la.

i kinda miss my sister too. she's in the outback now, slugging it out again to get through her course. the next time we'll all be together again is probably chinese new year. arghh i can't get used to the house being empty all the time. it sucks when you come home, just to get screamed at by your mother, and to add to that, i'll be taking most of it again when my brother's out of the house next week, when he leaves for shanghai.

sigh.

other than that, i feel obliged to study already. but then again, my overwhelmingly strong lazy gene has successfully prevented me from studying like i should be, and im pretty sure im gonna screw myself over when it's a week to exams and cram cram cram till i die. yupp, sounds just like me. (:

i've also been sucked into this degenerative cycle of marathoning dramas and anime, again. rotating between white collar, anime and sorting out my songs, and oh yes, mythbusters, is taking up my whole day. like seriously, i can spend 8 hours in front of my computer and not know it. IM SINKING INTO FAT VILLE. ZOMG DYING.

need to get back my jogging mojo. the weather's been pretty good recently. i shall jog tomorrow, on hari raya puasa, to reaffirm my belief that exercise is as important as eating. i don't want to starve myself. i don't want to have to starve myself. im losing all this fat the right way ; exercise and dieting against junk food. (:

mm, and im really inactive on facebook now. i haven't checked it in a week. LOLZZ. but twitter became my new facebook sooooo, there's not really much of a difference in the amount of time i spend on social networking webbies. pohoo.

okay, nights sunshines!

okay maybe not i got goosebumps from calling you sunshine. rephrase, NIGHTS NOOBIES! (:

thatss more like me. :P

haters, everywhere.

2011-08-28T23:44:00.000+08:00

if you're thin, you're anorexic. if you're fat, you're well, fat. if you're perfect, you're plastic. if you're rich, you're spoilt. if you're poor, you're second grade. no matter who you are or how you live and how you look, someone out there has painted a negative picture of you.

you can never be thin enough to please yourself. you can be at the sweet spot in how you weigh, and have the ideal height to weight ratio, and there will still be idiots out there calling you too fat. then when you lose weight and finally enter the realm of 'skinny-ness', there's another group of people out there calling you mal-nourished. we are never perfect enough for society.

we are so poisoned by the idea of becoming the perfect human being that the more important things in life have eventually melted away. things like being healthy have been replaced by starving yourself and replacing meal with fruit shakes and raw vegetables. things like being proud of who you are as a person has been replaced by a constant nagging feeling of being not good enough.

things like true friends, who look out for you, constantly watching your back, and bother to point out your mistakes even though they already know it'll piss you off like mad, have been replaced by fake friends, all for the sake of climbing the social ladder.

as time progresses, i believe that we are losing grip on what really matters, and instead we succumb to material gain and temporary 'happiness'.

honestly, im pretty sick of the world in general. being abandoned and replaced is nothing new anymore. the feeling of being betrayed greets me like an old friend now. i can't stand the way people throw things away for that moment of bliss, not thinking about the future, acting rash and irrational for something they know only lasts a moment.

taa.

hate, rage.

2011-08-19T17:18:00.000+08:00

i hate, hypocritical people. people who hate those who aren't punctual, but somehow they end up being late to everything. people who claim to be dog lovers, but conveniently abuse them. people who hate being left out, but deliberately leave people out and EXPECT them to not know about it.

how funny hahahahhhh SEE MY FACE, IM SO AMUSED.

truthfully from the bottom of my heart, i can say that i was pissed. i was pissed that you could stoop so low, to think that i was as stupid as that. to think that in my mind, i had forgiven you for all the shit you said last year about me. oh mind you, those words hurt, even though they weren't supposed to reach my ears. heck, i've barely even had a spiteful thought about for almost a year now, and you do this?

i'm in no position to judge your actions, or you as a person, BUT I WILL. and i will say that now i've made up my mind about you, your attitude, all of it. engraved now in my mind, is that image of you, which i will now refuse to wipe. i like seeing the good in people, really. but i will now deny myself the opportunity to forgive.

btw, im pissed because you thought that i was ignorant enough to be unable to understand. well, i do.

i hope whatever you're doing goes well, because i will now be wearing a mask everytime i am in contact with you.

good day to you.

off.

2011-08-18T22:08:00.001+08:00

the mind is ever so fickle. even when our conscious mind continues to baffle us, our subconscious holds more secrets to our true selves than we'll ever be able to comprehend. our subconscious is our true selves, in a way. we cannot lie to our subconscious mind, because we are incapable of controlling it.

everyone talks to themselves in their heads. going back and forth within our minds, trying to figure out solutions to problems, day in and day out. i came to this topic after seeing a brief flash from the movie inception and BOOM, the genesis of an idea.

i was wondering how cool it would be, if we could glance into our subconscious mind from a third person point of view. see how we really feel about our friends, family and associates. how we really perceive the world. most importantly, how we feel about ourselves.

i feel that our conscious mind is oddly twisted and distorted by circumstances, the people around us, and the urge to fit in to the people around us. we often try to lie to ourselves, and most times we choose to live with those lies instead of acknowledging the truth that we all know, deep inside of us. we're like that because we're human. it's probably a survival thing, because i think if we do choose to accept everything, we'll probably short circuit our own brains and die.

what if we could get past all these lies, that we've conjured up to fool ourselves, and get to the real person inside. suppose you're able to pry into your inner self. what if deep inside, you're really an ugly beast who's constantly lying to his/herself to cover up the guilt of all your inner intent?

always a delight to rant about meaningless things that nobody else understands. gd'day to you. (:

passing judgement.

2011-08-13T20:38:00.000+08:00

more often than not, we tend to judge people based on the things we've heard about them. we, people, are addicted to passing unfair judgement towards others, and yet we complain that we ourselves are being subjected to such unfair treatment, even though we are doing the same to others.

until recently, i was one of those people who wouldn't go near smokers in general. in my mind, a smoker was a bad person who didn't care about causing discomfort to others, or killing themselves through a meaningless act of temporary luxury. solidified in my mind, was the feeling of disgust towards these people.

these feelings were probably planted in my head by my mother, who had no problems showing her disapproval towards smoking. whenever we would take a place in a coffee shop, my mother would instantly look for another place to sit, if there was a smoker in the vicinity. obviously i was influenced by this, and thus grew up with a strong prejudice towards these people.

my prejudice probably started to dissolve at the beginning of this year. sometime during form 3, my number of friends increased dramatically, due to my heavy involvement in multiple clubs. making these new connections meant that i now had a vast network of people whom i didn't really know coming into my life all at once. at first, my innocent self that was not exposed to anything even slightly out of line believed that all were the same as me ; non-rule breakers and all around goody two shoes.

i got to know all these people at the same time, and honestly i had the time of my life with most of them. as we all got closer, i realise that not all were the goody-goodies that i had initially thought. this sudden exposure to the other side of people shocked me for awhile, especially when it concerned smoking. i suddenly realised that all these people around me were smokers, nevermind whether they smoked shisha or cigarettes, they were smokers all the same.

i suddenly found myself caught between my prejudice and my friendships. and then it hit me, these things do not affect the value of their friendship. these things, cannot instantly classify them as 'bad people'. these habits, do not define what kind of person they are.

i suddenly realised, that i was passing unfair judgement towards people that i didn't know, instantly stereotyping them, without bothering to know their true story.

i guess this applies to everything else as well. oh well, that's all folks. (:

muffin man.

2011-08-11T21:56:00.002+08:00

yesterday, my metally ill friends and i baked muffins for orphans for our civic project. (:

and so, after school yesterday ...

haiyoh so many pictures already lazy to elaborate la.

mixing the bater. this, is how li shan ended up splattering my wall with bater. totally reaffirmed my belief that li shan and technology do not go together.

tammy spooning the bater into the muffin cups. the muffin cups were freaking cute.

the first few muffins we decorated. spy the enormous chunk of fondant in the bowl and the blue food colouring and the rubbish in the picture. and omg the tissue paper next to one of the muffins too. lack of attention towards hygiene tsk tsk.

rolling out the fondant.

sabrina cutting out the pretty shapes in the squished blue fondant. (:

:3 troll face to the max from over-bangga-ness.

stupid imba trays. ruin the best picture of the batch. ):

haiyoh so cute la these kiddos. :P

the muffin aunty.

the end. safe to say that i'll definitely be baking with them again. we did pretty awesome, i tell you. :D

happy things.

2011-08-07T23:32:00.000+08:00

hey youu. (:

i've had a pretty productive weekend. well, considering that i usually do nothing at all during my normal weekends, these 2 days have been pretty good. (: here's some stuff i've done for the past 2 days.

1. i've finally managed to plank for 2 minutes! *mega happy face* yeah, i know my tummy's still heavily insulated, but at least i know there's still muscle in there. pretty happy with what i've done, since i've been teethering on the edge of obsession with this for the past 2 months. time to move on to bicycle crunches. I.WILL.GET.HARD.ABS.

2. im finally happy with my barre chords. after getting some schmack from my guitar teacher last wednesday, i decided it was time to stop avoiding barre chords, since i would have to master them now or later anyways. after practicing till my arm muscles crammed for 3 days, there's no more ringing sound in the chords, neither are there anymore non-sounding stings in most of my barre chords. im a pretty happy kid now. *bangga face*

3. im almost done writing my merit demerit system out. as you all know (or maybe not), i've been appointed the hellish post of discipline director of librarians. i know, how can this rule breaking phone bringing head banging non-exemplary student be appointed as the discipline director. honestly i don't know what got into their minds when they were appointing the heads of depts. ANYWAYS, i've designed a new system to help improve the discipline of the librarian team, which is the merit-demerit system. this system has been around for donkey years in many other schools, and now, i am proud to say it's going to be implemented here too, courtesy of me. HOORAH.

i'm almost done with it and it'll be ready by the next general meeting. all i need to do is just to pass a copy to teacher and jin chuen, and im finished. after that i'll give the writting copy to my beloved assitant (which i will shamelessly abuse) to type and send to the library dept. quite happy that i can get this off my shoulders. after i present it at the next GM, i can relax for awhile.

4. i've listed out almost everything i need for sabah. usually i wouldn't be bothered with such things with so much time before camp, but my hands suddenly got itchy and i decided to list out everything i need. i have to say, that my i (or my uncontrollable instincts) made a good call, since i have like 1000000 things that i need, time to watch out for wintertime/ warm clothing sales. (:

5. I CLEANED UP MY STUDY TABLE. that thing was a garbage dump and i turned it into a squaky clean museum. 'nuff said.

away.

2011-08-06T00:01:00.000+08:00

i've never really put much thought into what i want to do when i die. somehow being young and stupid means that the possibility of death at an early age, or death at all ever crosses our minds. i guess now, while it's still lingering in my mind, i shall list down a couple of things i want to be done with my body, after i die.

1. if I die young,

i wish to have ALL my organs donated to people in need. what do i need this body for, once im dead. i'd rather give a heart to someone in need, or corneas so someone can see. i will one day, talk to my parents about this wish of mine, and i will get my organs pledged. i think, that's the right thing to do. (:

then, i'll probably want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in the ocean. i know it's a chinese belief that the soul needs a home to go to and all of that, but i belong to the new generation. i see my old relatives talking about their concerns about who's going to pray for them when they're gone, and i think to myself, is this even a valid concern? i mean no insult, but i guess being in the younger generation means that i won't inherit these beliefs of theirs anymore. i don't think i'll feel bad if nobody chants for me or whatever, cause I'D BE DEAD. besides, i feel this connection with the ocean. i don't want my to be kept in a temple listening to people chanting prayers in chinese (which i don't even understand anyways) and i don't want to be kept in a home. OCEAN IS GOOD. (:

2. if i die of old age.

yea i still want my ashes to be scattered in the ocean. this time i can tell my grandkiddes, 'whenever you see opne water, think of me fondly' or some other cool ass old people sayings that carve deep memories into people. whichever way im not going to a temple to die. )<

3. heck, if i don't die at all,

i shall rule the bloody world and make myself filthy rich. and buy all the sports goods i want. provided that i don't turn into a prune. ):

ok verging on BSing now. BYE!

follow you into the dark.

2011-08-04T19:56:00.001+08:00

sucky internet, rain and degenerated volleyball skills. pretty average day i guess.

this week was probably the most laid-back week i've had in awhile. with ample time to sleep, watch tv, blog and jog, i begin to wonder if this is the life of a normal student, instead of one that stays back 3 days a week for sometimes i-don't-know-what club activites and responsibilities. then again, i don't completely enjoy this kind of life either. i, have been a sloth for the past week, sleeping for 5 hours in the afternoon, waking up at dinner time on some days. even with THAT amount of sleep a day, i still don't get any less tired, and instead, i feel lethargic and cranky for most hours of the day.

i'd like to have my old, crazy schedule back. the one that didn't make me feel bad for wasting my life away doing nothing. ):

the meeting for the sabah xpdc members on wednesday was pretty, enlightening. i now know that i need to be consistent with my jogging to make sure that im fit enough to climb mt kinabalu in december and not die/ get mountain sickness when im there. i do not need another black &white cert. this time, im determined to reach the top. besides that, we're not only going to climb mt kinabalu, but on every other day, we're going to be trekking mountains and jungles, and i think being unfit during those times will be equivalent to buying a one way ticket to hell.

note to self : departure : 9 DEC 2011, about 7am. arrival 26 DEC 2011, about 12am.

i am, excited about this trip. :3 18 days away from home, without my parents, maximum productivity everyday. one could only dream of a better way to spend the school holidays. :D

you know what i don't like, people who think that they're above everyone else. yes you're brilliant. yes, you can run jump sit stand eat better than everyone else. please do not squash a humble person's dreams just because you think that they're 'not good enough for you'. sigh, people like you.

to my best friend.

2011-08-01T18:22:00.002+08:00

before deciding that i should put this in a blog post, i tried to text, tweet and facebook you. i realised that 4 text messages and the 140 character limit could not allow me to fully express myself.

i don't know what you've gone through just recently, but i know it's tearing you apart. never before have i seen the shoulder i used to cry on, torn into pieces like this in the middle of the day. i can only assume that it's something so painful that words cannot explain how deeply you've been affected.

nevertheless, always remember that we, your friends are forever here, by your side to aid you in whatever way we can. whether it's sitting beside you in silence, giving you our shoulders to cry on or lending you our ears. we just want to be here for you, whether it's your darkest hour or your brightest most sunny sun filled day. whatever. in good times and bad, we'll make it through together, because we're cool like that.

honestly i think i've been a horrible friend to you for these past few months, simply because i've abandoned you like a bipolar biatch whenever i wanted. i still cringe whenever i relive the memories of those times. but now, in your time of need, i think it's only right that you should be able to depend on others like how we've depended on you. we, can be your pillars of strengths, but only if you want us to be.

always remember that you are not alone. CALL ME IF YOU NEED ME, YOU FOOL.

be strong, tammy ho. if you don't feel strong enough, there's always us you can depend on. (':

breathe in, out.

2011-07-29T20:17:00.000+08:00

ugh so annoyed and irritated when people like you go arrange stuff and you're the one who's the no-show. PISSING ME OFF. plus, you're never on time. like, the hell? you think people can spend their whole lives waiting for you. i have too many people like this in my life. you'd think after 16 years of waiting for an hour outside tuition centres all the time, you'd finally get to go home on time.

my god where's the common courtesy in the world nowadays. what else? you don't even bother texting until i call you. AT LEAST GIVE ME A HEADS UP RIGHT. i wait there for 20 minutes and you tell me i have another hour to go. MY GOD *SWEAR SWEAR SWEAR SWEAR*

on the bright sunny side (emphasise BRIGHT, SUNNY), mps is finally over. (: we sold about 70% of the badges, which comes as a really big relief to me, since 2 days ago i was afraid that i wouldn't even be able to sell half of them. relief washed over me when i did the sort-of last count of badges before i left school just now. i only have around 100 left of all 3 designs combined. HUGEEEE RELIEF! (:

and now that mps is over, i can finally return to class. oh poo you if you like staying out of class, begging people to buy your ugly badges like those annoying shopkeepers who pull your sleeve in chinatown if you don't buy their goods. yah, POO YOU. i'd rather be in class sleeping. (:

if there was one thing i could hope for librarians after this week, it would be that the school recognises us more and gives us more funding and trust. i hope in the future, the school would finally realise that spending 10k on the prefects making all those certs for them, getting teachers to emcee their installation and letting them have like 5 discipline teachers as their teacher advisers, gives the rest of the big clubs in school the feeling that we're not good enough to receive your trust and support. obviously i know the prefects are well organised and all, but i guess it'll feel nice to not only have the students shoulders to lean on, but the school's support too.

i honestly didn't take the headmistresses lack of recognition of who did organise the space tourist event to heart, but it'll be nice if she finally gave librarians recognition, one day. not that i should be caring about this anymore, because my time is almost up.

one can hope, no? (:

and now, i shall spam you with (almost) a gajillion pictures of dogs i took pictures of about a month ago at a dog show. (:

rumours and people.

2011-07-28T18:31:00.004+08:00

this week, has been really hectic. with the stress of mps, the astronaut diva, slow sales of screwed up badges, monthly tests and life in general, i could barely breathe. thank goodness today, i took a break from all of this and came home at 1.05pm, the time when everyone else gets to go home. after coming back from addmath tuition, i came here, in front of my computer, satisfied that i have enough time to blog tonight. (:

i shall start off with the astronaut/ cosmonaut. okay, so he was the first malaysian to ever go up in to space. he spent 18 days there after about a year of training in russia. he now speaks fluent russian, as a result of staying in russia for that amount of time, and all this attention has bloated his ego to maximum. in short, he's a frickin hypocritic diva.

during his speech, he told us indirectly, not to smoke, but came in smelling like cigarettes with black stains on his fingers. on the stage, he was this nice, charming, captivating character, but once he was off stage and the scheduled time for him to leave arrived, he did anything he could to get out of the school as fast as he could. we librarians, sort of heard the whole thing about him being a diva, talking rudely to his driver and bodyguard. heck, why does he even need a bodyguard?

from having no respect for him, i've come to dislike him for being so hypocritical. i guess, fame really can do things to people, making their minds twist and distort in weird ways. and the funny thing is, he takes pride in his mental strength. i guess you would need more mental strength than that to wrap your mind around fame.

next, mps in general is going okay. the money's not flowing in as much as we'd hope it would, but i guess by the end of this we SHOULD be able to cover our cost price. i feel really bad for making such horrid badges. if the librarians go into debt again, it'll be my fault, completely. i say sorry in advance for doing this to you all. ): the exhibits and the form 6's games however are doing great. they've become the centre of attention, and we really owe it to them for creating such attention grabbing activities. (:

even so, im already drained. promoting the badges is becoming a pain. i can't wait for the doors to close tomorrow, for that will symbolise the last librarian event i will ever co-handle, ever. it'll also mean that it's time to get serious in my studies, as the only thing im actually confident with now is my add math and modern math. the rest, especially my science subjects, are pretty bad. argh busy busy busy forever.

the monthly tests weren't as stressful as i thought they would be. although i bullshitted 99.9% of my bio paper, im quite happy that i actually wrote something on it. i finished my modern math paper, which was a big relief, since it wasn't too hard. and, i wrote my BM essay. no comments on my deteriorating BM. (: add math tomorrow and chem on monday. aww shucks. :/

elephant trrip on saturday. mildly excited about it, but i won't expect too much from this. i think we'll probably just take many many pictures of ourselves and forget about the trip. at least we didn't have to pay for it. :P

i think, i've deciphered my thoughts now. you are, a treasured friend of mine who has the capability to influence me more than others, but that's only because i have a deep profound respect for you, although i am constantly making fun of your guts. :P

*

on another note, a few days ago, i discovered that amy winehouse passed away. i haven't been a crazy fan of hers, and i have never paid much attention to the negative press she's been getting for the past few months. even so, i've enjoyed her blues-y, jazzy style of music, and her unique voice. it's quite sad when talents like her get devoured by drug abuse. with this, i end my post with a piece, penned out the the infamous russel brand (which i quite frankly had no idea could write such a piece). i find it quite an interesting read. (:

*

"I've known Amy Winehouse for years. When I first met her around Camden she was just some twit in a pink satin jacket shuffling round bars with mutual friends, most of whom were in cool Indie bands or peripheral Camden figures Withnail-ing their way through life on impotent charisma," Brand writes. "Carl Barrat told me that 'Winehouse' (which I usually called her and got a kick out of cos it's kind of funny to call a girl by her surname) was a jazz singer, which struck me as a bizarrely anomalous in that crowd. To me, with my limited musical knowledge this information placed Amy beyond an invisible boundary of relevance; 'Jazz singer? She must be some kind of eccentric,' I thought. I chatted to her anyway though, she was after all, a girl, and she was sweet and peculiar but most of all vulnerable."

"I was myself at that time barely out of rehab and was thirstily seeking less complicated women so I barely reflected on the now glaringly obvious fact that Winehouse and I shared an affliction, the disease of addiction. All addicts, regardless of the substance or their social status share a consistent and obvious symptom; they're not quite present when you talk to them. They communicate to you through a barely discernible but un

"From time to time I'd bump into Amy she had good banter so we could chat a bit and have a laugh, she was 'a character' but that world was riddled with half cut, doped up chancers, I was one of them, even in early recovery I was kept afloat only by clinging to the bodies of strangers so Winehouse, but for her gentle quirks didn’t especially register."

I arrived late and as I made my way to the audience through the plastic smiles and plastic cups I heard the rolling, wondrous resonance of a female vocal. Entering the space I saw Amy on stage with Weller and his band; and then the awe. The awe that envelops when witnessing a genius. From her oddly dainty presence that voice, a voice that seemed not to come from her but from somewhere beyond even Billie [Holiday] and Ella [Fitzgerald], from the font of all greatness. A voice that was filled with such power and pain that it was at once entirely human yet laced with the divine. My ears, my mouth, my heart and mind all instantly opened," he writes. "Winehouse. Winehouse? Winehouse! That twerp, all eyeliner and lager dithering up Chalk Farm Road under a back-combed barnet, the lips that I'd only seen clenching a fishwife fag and dribbling curses now a portal for this holy sound. So now I knew. She wasn't just some hapless wannabe, yet another pissed up nit who was never gonna make it, nor was she even a ten-a-penny-chanteuse enjoying her fifteen minutes. She was a f**king genius."

"Shallow fool that I am, I now regarded her in a different light, the light that blazed down from heaven when she sang. That lit her up now and a new phase in our friendship began. She came on a few of my TV and radio shows, I still saw her about but now attended to her with a little more interest. Publicly though, Amy increasingly became defined by her addiction. Our media though is more interested in tragedy than talent, so the ink began to defect from praising her gift to chronicling her downfall. The destructive personal relationships, the blood soaked ballet slippers, the aborted shows, that YouTube madness with the baby mice. In the public perception this ephemeral tittle-tattle replaced her timeless talent. This and her manner in our occasional meetings brought home to me the severity of her condition," he continues.

"Addiction is a serious disease; it will end with jail, mental institutions or death. I was 27 years old when through the friendship and help of Chip Somers of the treatment centre, Focus12, I found recovery. Through Focus I was introduced to support fellowships for alcoholics and drug addicts which are very easy to find and open to anybody with a desire to stop drinking and without which I would not be alive."

"Now Amy Winehouse is dead, like many others whose unnecessary deaths have been retrospectively romanticized at 27 years old. Whether this tragedy was preventable or not is now irrelevant. It is not preventable today. We have lost a beautiful and talented woman to this disease."

"Not all addicts have Amy's incredible talent. Or Kurt [Cobain]'s or Jimi [Hendrix]'s or Janis [Joplin]'s. Some people just get the affliction. All we can do is adapt the way we view this condition, not as a crime or a romantic affectation but as a disease that will kill. We need to review the way society treats addicts, not as criminals but as sick people in need of care. We need to look at the way our government funds rehabilitation. It is cheaper to rehabilitate an addict than to send them to prison, so criminalization doesn't even make economic sense. Not all of us know someone with the incredible talent that Amy had but we all know drunks and junkies and they all need help and the help is out there. All they have to do is pick up the phone and make the call. Or not. Either way, there will be a phone call."

everchanging.

2011-07-25T20:35:00.005+08:00

sooo, i wasn't happy with my blog layout, again. and so i changed it, again. (:

I'm still going through the process of re-entering all my links and thingamabobs back into my blog. It's not so simple anymore, since having custom html coding means that there's no more easy blogger interface for me to work with. BUT IT'S OKAY. im happy exploring the world of coding. it gets frustrating, but no doubt it's quite abit of fun. it kills time pretty well too. (:

my school's library exhibition week is tomorrow, or minggu pusat sumber, as they say in BM. it's been pretty hectic the past week, preparing the library for the next 4 days. honestly im scared that the work that my committee's done won't live up to the expectations to the rest of the students. getting feedback from the seniors about the exhibitions from the past few years makes me scared. they all seemed to have enjoyed all of them, especially the egyptian exhibition from four years ago. butterflies in my tummy. ):

on the other hand, preparing for MPS has 'required' *cough* me to skip class for the past week, and now, i have absolutely no clue about what's been going on in class. to add to that, i don't really understand what's going on in class even when im in class anyways, so this is probably the equivalent of DOUBLE-KILL for me. with all the monthly test being held really soon, i doubt i'll have the time to put in effort to well, pass? ah, but i guess being in the library for eight hours a day for a week straight hasn't been so bad. berbonding with the form 3's abit wasn't without it's share of fun.

i didn't include the afternoon sessions because i feel like instead of getting to know them better, i've been more of an angry scrooge towards them. not that i like being scary, but sometimes when the juniors don't listen to instructions, i just flame up inside and start screaming my head of. not a side of myself i like showing other people, but they didn't leave me with a choice. ):

but but but,

we got to know the real president of ours, not the scary discipline director i remember from 2 years ago. kinda scary to know that im now taking on her role of being the 'scary senior' who shuts the whole library up when i enter. *sigh*

oh yes, my class has a new student, Sven Manuel Hartmann. He's a really tall german boy (at least in asian standards) who's abit on the quiet side. can't blame him for that since he's still new, in a foreign country and all. i don't like how the students and teachers are treating him like a live exhibit at a petting zoo at the moment, but that'll die down once the whole school gets used to the foreign ang moh-ness.

my sister's already back in australia. the house feels pretty empty without her throwing cereal boxes at us and almost killing all the passengers in the car while she's driving. i'll see her again in four months, but it'll be some time before i get used to only having my slightly annoying younger sister in the house. my brother's going back to china soon too, to earn money in shanghai.

can't get used to the fact that we're all growing up and living far apart :/

OHH! librarian installation was about a week ago, and im not proud to say that it was almost a complete catastrophe. bad communication, coupled with (a few) sucky committee members and stupid librarians made this a really hard thing to well, salvage. i shall not elaborate on my frustrations towards the many things that were related to this event, as by doing so, will only reignite past angers that i have already come to terms with. (: the only thing i was happy with was the souvenir which i stayed up till 2am to finish that night, for the seniors. i guess i wanted to do something that i'd be happy to recieve when i retire. (:

this was the 10-minute picture i put together using photoscape at the very last minute. kinda wish that i had more time to do this better, and find a better frame, but time did not wait ):

MMPH, I HATE UNSTABLE INTERNET )< recently streamyx has been really really really fudgy. im disconnecting every 10 minutes. argh, i shall just call them and complain, like my mama. JK. i don't like scolding people. ):

my volleyball team is on the verge of dying. having a chat with sir and li shan about ways to get the team serious about training at this time of the year was productive. sir was on the blunt side today, saying that the girls team has never been good enough. but then again, he gave us solid reasons and problems we do, and did face in the past, and ways to overcome them.his solutions aren't easy to carry out, and people get really unpredictable and frustrating sometimes, but i think if we can get past this hurdle, we can pave the way for the future girls volleyball team of smkts, that is if they wish to follow in our footsteps.

i don't want the team to die when im still here. while i have the power to do something, like motivate a lazy teacher, and get uncommitted people to give their full cooperation, i will, of course, hand in hand with my partner. :P

sir also brought out the suggestion of getting one of his ex-players to coach us. honestly i don't think he'll have enough patience to last the 3 months before MSSD, knowing that bugger, but no doubt he'll make a great coach. maybe we should follow through with the suggestion, since coach keith won't be able to stick with us anymore, since his upcoming knee operation is going to leave him immobile for pretty darn long. my teacher advisor won't be much help either, since we've been playing volleyball longer than she's been in smkts.

WHAT TO DOO, WHAT TO DOO.

encountering so many problems in the supposed 'honeymoon' year of my highschool life doesn't really make it a honeymoon year. even so, i've kinda enjoyed this whirlwind so far, and after all my activities are over, i'll go back to my number one ; my studies. with the JPA scholarship no longer available to me, the only other immediate option is the ASEAN scholarship. to apply for that scholarship, i need to use my end term results for this year. better kick into high gear soon.

*

i haven't blogged this much in a long while. feels good to spill quite a few beans after a long hiatus (:

taa!

oh, spare me.

2011-07-23T19:02:00.000+08:00

ok, so i skipped leo installation. like a bad kid, i did (:

before you judge me, i had a solid reason for doing so. my sister's going back tomorrow morning and my mum decided that my whole family should go on a shopping spree. (pshtt my mum never EVER brings us shopping with the intent of buying things, so this once in a lifetime oppurtunity was a far better choice than going for an installation where i was just gonna sit there and stare -.-)MEANS I BOUGHT MATERIAL THINGS TODAY. YUMMY BUMMY. omg so happy right now.

first of all, I BOUGHT NEW SHOES. pretty red and white mizuno's to be exact. (: means i can finally go jogging without coming home with 10 000 blisters. HOORAH SO HAPPY (:

and and and, how could you buy new shoes without buying new socks? :P I BOUGHT 8 PAIRS OF SOCKS LOLLL. 5 cheapskate ones and 3 nice and comfy ones.

ok maybe that's all i bought but, im still really happy right now (: thank youuu, mummy. (:

*

mps on tuesday. my god, stress. BUT IT'S OKAY, THERE'S STILL CHOCOLATE AT HOME 8D

ciaoz (:

appreciation.

2011-07-21T23:58:00.000+08:00

to you,

who has given so much more than taken.
who listened.
who has noticed my phony smile when i was dying inside.
who extended a hand when i needed it the most.
who gave me a reason to smile on cloudy days.
who gave encouragement during bad times.

who has given so much to me, even when i have nothing to give back to you.

thank you (:

heck yeah.

2011-07-18T22:27:00.000+08:00

this week, was all about discovering human nature. not just human nature in general, but the nature of humans in herds. yeah you heard me, big gangs of people and one miserable fool. obviously im not going to elaborate on my displeasure towards anything because everytime i do that, i just get a bunch of schmack. please, im going to save myself the trouble this time because im not pissed off, and the heat of the moment's gone already anyways. (:

so yeahhh i went for this 6km jog thing. alone. ditched. pissed. cranky from the lack of sleep. i went with absolutely no expectations of having any sort of human interaction, at all, and of course, my expectations were met with no deviation at all. hoorah.

i went, and achieved whatever i wanted to. 6km. didn't walk more than 20m. didn't stop more than 3 times. kinda proud of myself, even though the social aspect of it was pretty sad. BUT IT'S OKAY. I HAVE A GREAT COPING MECHANISM *COUGH* *FOOD* *COUGH*

another great display of the shitty, poop covered part of human nature was on full display this evening when i attended the buys training. AGAIN, I SHALL NOT ELABORATE FOR FEAR OF BEING BITCHY. (: and why would i backstab you when you're in my frontstab-able zone anyways? (: (: (:

*

enough of the ugly things. i like happy. yes, happy is good. happy is skipping lunch tomorrow, then jogging until i puke. that is happy. (:

happy is playing fruit ninja excessively on the ipad. happy is beating the highscore set by my sister, who had nothing to do this whole day.

oh yes, i will make myself a very happy girl tomorrow. (:

of CSS, HTML and frustration.

2011-07-16T18:46:00.000+08:00

and so, i've been trying to add a background to this miserable template since well, i got it, but apparently my html codes for the background picture is WRONG, even though i got it hosted on blogger *eheh, proud innovative moment here* and i entered the html code in the css EXACTLY the way that they asked me to.

ISHH FRUSTRATED MUCH ):

but fret not, i shall bulldozer through this issue and get this image done. (; and besides, coding things isn't thatt difficult, as long as you don't have to write the css by yourself. the rest, is pretty ok (:

*

librarian installation. no comment. my hard work was sent out and im happy with that. the rest, i don't care anymore. i'll put it in a trash bag and have nothing else to do with it. the end (:

blurred vision.

2011-07-12T23:21:00.001+08:00

yeahhh mannn lab goggles the bomb 8D

i hate the haze. i swear the mini particles of idon'tknowwhat in the air is messing up my nose and eyes bigg time. they should close down school for a day since the haze is getting so bad :P seriously, i don't know how the marchers survived out in the field today, in the open air, exposed to the elements. i swear, sumatera or borneo or whoever that's doing this forest burning for the UPTEENTH year. we, malaysians, like clear sunny blue skies, like every other being on earth.

stop killing your trees and your people ):

school, has been urm, ok. i don't like installation work. heck, i don't like any form of work. i am an unworthy asian. ):

*

oh yes, in the spur of the moment a few months ago, i decided that it would be a great idea to sign up for this new south wales english proficiency test. i was freaking stupid. as i flipped through my paper for the first time today, i was appaled by the lack of grammar based questions. it was a friggin comprehension paper. my heart sank as i flipped through each page, and turning one page after another became harder and harder as all i saw were long winded essay after long winded essay. as i reached the last page, a sense of regret washed over me, but then i thought to myself "i paid RM20 for this? whatever mann my asian-ness shall not let me walk out of here before juicing out every last cent of my money."

i completed the paper and walked out. THE END.

TAAA! (:

views.

2011-07-11T15:21:00.003+08:00

there's been a lot going on in my country for the past month. most of it, has been centered around Bersih 2.0, the pro-electoral reformation movement calling for fair and transparent elections in Malaysia. i don't think many people my age give much thought to this, as we are still young, and complicated things like this should be left to the older ones to deal with. however, i feel pretty strongly about this movement, as my parents have not hesitated to inform me about their frustration towards the government prior to this.

i think, that the government handled the situation very badly. by using only mainstream media to influence the public, they've made a grave mistake. we, as the younger generation of the country, have many other outlets to see raw pieces of information and have the freedom of interpretation from there. we are not so gullible to listen to your biased reports.

there is actually no legitimate reason to oppose this movement. how is wanting fair elections in a democratic country wrong? how is staging a protest, and voicing our views in a democratic country wrong?

the reason behind this movement is as good as bulletproof.

moreover, Bersih 2.0 has actually brought out the 1malaysia spirit that our respected prime minister has been urging us to show since he came in to office. seeing the videos of the rally, and the countless number of pictures that have been posted up, there has been no better representation of all the people in our nation coming together, as one, regardless of race, religion and belief. the only thing that was important, was that everyone was a Malaysian rallying for a better Malaysia.

as a youth in this country, i believe that my generation deserve to live in a country that is forever bettering itself. if given a choice, i wouldn't want to abandon my homeland, but if this downward spiral continues, i would, if there is a better life waiting elsewhere.

i believe that most of us feel the exact same way.

kudos to all who rallied for malaysia on 9 July 2011.

**

and now, i shall return to my normal, 16 year old self, who knows nothing about politics and the country and basically anything and everything that's happening outside the four corners of my house, and my school (:

floodgate of memories.

2011-07-11T11:15:00.002+08:00

last weekend, or yesterday and the day before yesterday in fact, i was back in my hometown to visit my gandparents, relatives, and my little one year old niece which i have not met face to face before. catching up with all my relatives is a joy, even though i was there for only less than 24 hours. nevertheless, I HAVE PICTURES. :D

my one year old niece, lyra, sniffin' out the food. this kid, is really really cheeky.

cousin (:

grandad, at his favourite spot, at the back of the house.

dad, grandma, me and my sister. it was a very very very hot and smouldering day. the glare made my eyes look like -___-

(:

overall, the trip back to my hometown was good, except for the fact my whole family, except my mum, brought back a bout of mild food poisoning. explains why im here and not in chemistry class with the rest of 4br, suffering. WOHOOOOO. but im pretty sure im dead tomorrow since i'll probably understand NOTHING during tomorrow's lesson. AHHHH WELLLLL (:

*

i need to run. inactivity makes me hungry and tired. no, there's no middle ground for me. i either become a sloth-pig hybrid, or an athlethe. tell me how im going to survive university, when free time is scarce, and staying up till 2 am and waking up at 4am during exam time is a norm. tell me how im supposed to avoid becoming a big fat ball? i fear for the future of my health.

*

librarian installation this saturday. am i scared? heck yeah. although the bulk of the work has been thrown back to the indecisive OC, anything out of the list of things teacher's briefed him on comes to me, because he doesn't know what to do. BOO. -__-

*

6km on sunday. yeah, im not supposed to run/jog long distances, but im a healthy active person who couldn't care less (: time to start training again. 20 rounds around the megah football field seems abit excessive, but I.MUST.JOG.THE.WHOLE.WAY. walking is unacceptable. walking is for noobs. I WILL JOG THE ENTIRE 6KM. MARK MY WORDS (:

*

i guess, one of my biggest regrets i have now, is choosing leo over interact. honestly, i stick to my belief that leo can, and will only benifit those with the 'popular' face, and those with money and excessive time. i am neither. they give people who actually do work, the shitty posts that nobody else wants to do like secretary, and those glamour posts to those with name and fame. really?

is that how you run a club? then again, even if they DID have open voting, the results will be the same. name and fame brings you the post, good work ethic gives you shit. being invisible, is the best.

because of all this crap, i kinda wish that i joined interact. they're not the 'popular group' club, but at least you know the people are in the board for a legit reason.and you don't have to be the most popular to end up on top. honestly, that's pretty encouraging. should've listened when pn teh was bugging everyone to join interact.

NOT TO 100% say that the outcome would be better in interact, but at least i guess i wouldn't feel like how i feel in leo. a useless piece of invisible gunk -__-

BUT THENN AGAIN, MY VIEWS ARE MY OWN, AND IF YOU'RE GONNA GET UPSET AND OFFENDED BY IT, BY ALL MEANS, CUTT YOURSELF AND COMMIT SUICIDE -.- really, this is a conversation with myself, and even if it does involve you, my god don't take it personally please (: 0

*

HTML codes, are well, pretty fun to tweak. i never really appreciated the work and time people put in to design all these templates before this. but now, after trying to tweak my own template without the help of blogger's very very user friendly interface, i've gained a new sense of respect for these people. and to add to that, my blog still looks like shattt now. bear with me while i learn the nooks and crannies of this very delicate erm, art?

:P

*

WHEN'S THE NEXT ROUND OF LONG HOLIDAYS AGAIN? )':

for someone, who's sarcasm never fails to put a smile on my face.

2011-07-10T18:38:00.001+08:00

this, is sabrina ooi.

okehh i look fugly as usual -.-

NEVERMIND BACK TO THE POINT.

one of the first few people i met in smk taman sea. the one who on the first day, made me laugh for saying something really funny that i don't remember anymore. i just remember that it was funneh :P this, is to our forth year of friendship. you're such a joy in class, you know (:

we've been through loads together, and i hope we'll go through loads more (: you'll always be the one with the quick and witty mouth. :D and and and the one who doesn't hesitate to share things about the people you don't like *cough cough* EHEHHHHH. the one who sided with li shan and tammy -.- OH WELL I STILL LAVVV YOU :D

happy birthday, sabrinaoxp (:

weight of words.

2011-07-08T23:31:00.000+08:00

some people ask me, why i dislike my mother. no really, i don't dislike her. i just dislike the way she treats me in sensitive situations. i hate the way she puts me in stiches. i hate the way she forces me to tell her my problems, and in the end makes me feel worse at the end about it.

obviously when you make me feel worse after i tell you things, i try to become perfect. i never like being a burden. i never want to burden you with my problems, to burden me with your response. in such a lose-lose situation, i just shut up. now when i tell you my biggest insecurity, you tell me im a weak person, who doesn't have enough EQ, who can't even guard her centre against something so small.

guess what, mother, my body image is not something so small. it's something that's been constantly crushed by the sight of skinny people all around me, and the constant taunting i've recieved from my own family since the beginning of time. of course you meant it as a harmless joke. but as they say, repeat a lie a thousand times, and it becomes a truth.

you made me believe that im the fat pig i think i am today. and now you try to say that im underweight? as if im capable of believing that anymore.

this whole problem with my back has been giving me the biggest shit in my life too. getting harassed by doctors who don't know no shit doesn't make it easier. getting nagged by a mother who doesn't understand insecurity, and getting scolded by the father who values every dollar. getting shit from every direction, i feel like i don't even have a corner to run into anymore. heck, im sinking into the bloody floor.

i can't even think now, because my mind is so polluted with thoughts of anger and hatred towards everything. im so, consumed, and overwhemled by everything i've been trying to surpress all this time. im at my limit. i feel like puking my guts out. and breaking a door. do a thousand sit ups. tear a hamstring. run 40 rounds around the football field. run into a frickin wall.

anything, but thinking about something so stupid like suicide and such. anything, but thinking of running away. if anything, i need to run into my problems and gobble them up, instead of push them away.

i need, to muster my own strength, instead of leaning on a shoulder. i need to stand tall, even with this curved back of mine, and walk through this.

speaking in metaphors \m/

am i being stupid ;

2011-07-07T20:58:00.000+08:00

for giving up my iphone for a 20 days trip to sabah?

am i prepared to give up material things for an experience that i KNOW i will treasure for the rest of my life? am i prepared to argue with my parents for this, again?

obviously sabah seems more appealing to me now. im happy, with my rm89 nokia torchlight phone. obviously i'd want to climb mt kk with these people, that have been nothing but nice to me the whole time i've know them. of course i'd like to spend 20 days, away from the stress of home. of course, i'd rather give up a stupid iphone for this.

i've been raised, to be immaterial. i've been brought up to treasure experiences. of course, i realise that 20 days in a foreign place is a bit much to ask of my parents, but this is the last time that sir's bringing students out like this. and this being his last year, obviously he'd want to end in with a bang, in style.

but then again, how will i feel, next year, when im stuck with my torchlight phone, looking around at a room of people with well, phones that actually have more functions. what if i regret. i mean, i've already made it through the regret of not going to sarawak. who said sabah won't be any harder to get over?

GARH MATERIAL VS EXPERICE.

obviously i know what i want now. im just afraid that the future me won't agree.

pulled.

2011-07-01T19:06:00.000+08:00

i've had, a tiring week.

staying back from monday to thursday really sapped the life out of me. wonders how i did it back in form 3, when i was staying back everyday every other day.

friendly matches were great. i honestly enjoyed the match with BSD more, because there wasn't an unnecessary negative force there giving the cock face the whole time. even though you're not paying attention, the negative energy really takes a toll on you. playing without pressure, is the best state of mind to play in, and somehow i don't think any of us are trained enough to put ourselves in that state of mind, all the time.

i think, i overdid the jogging just a teeny weeny bit this week. pulling my muscle on monday, and going for friendlies and all are killing me now. i don't think i'll be able to finish the 2.5 tomorrow at this rate. can barely even do 800 today :/ ackkk. a good night's rest and less movement should help me get through tomorrow (:

other things,

nahh, nothing much to talk about really. i seem to be really busy nowadays but have nothing to write about. oh wells, taaa! (:

all your tears will dry.

2011-06-26T17:34:00.000+08:00

rhythm of love.

to forgive, but never forget.

2011-06-25T20:01:00.000+08:00

and so, this will be my official rant about the racist pig who ruined my perfect vision of librarians. in true headmistress style, i shall now begin thanking you for everything you've ever done.

thank you for making the agm just another meeting to anounce the future board, instead of actually letting us vote. thank you, for giving me the shittiest post in the board, for which i know nuts about. thank you, for constantly giving me the eye, since form 3, when my only focus wasn't librarians anymore. thank you, for telling me i should be only commited to librarians forever and ever and ever like kay jun. thank you, for never forgiving me for whatever i did. thank you, for showing me that you're a racist pig. THANK YOU, FOR RETIRING THE YEAR I LEAVE SCHOOL.

thank you, for ruining the last year of my 'service' to the librarian board. love you so much, pn zaini. could have never reached this place in my life without you. no really, gratitude is all i can express. if it wasn't gratitude, stinky things would be coming out of my pretty mouth (:

and so ends my rant. i shall now, stop talking about her, for talking and thinking and seeing her makes me sick to my stomach. so, i shall not (:

taa! (:

d-day.

2011-06-24T19:56:00.003+08:00

matthew wong, the other guy bff (: you awesome possum.

no one does a sasha, better than sasha koww ((:

the two beloved birthday girls. shall elaborate on these two monkeys later. :p

pshtt lazy to rotatee.

(:

*

while both parts of my day were unforgettable in totally different ways, i have decided to purge any ill feelings, because i believe that by feeling that way, i am giving into the very thing the racist pig wants me to give in to. anger and self-destruction.

instead, i shall begin a not-so-silent movement to shove it in her face that she's a freaking dictator and non-appreciative bastard that deserves to burn in the pits of hell. THAZZAL. THANKIEWS (:

i'd rather be a comma, than a fullstop.

2011-06-22T21:29:00.001+08:00

gold. for my entire 16 years of existence, this medal, or this position has eluded me. never been the best, just better. jack of all trades, master of nothing. my own quiet realisation that the best i'll be is a silver stings at the places where it hurts the most. it shouldn't really matter, but my own insecurity with my own abilities keeps bringing this feeling of not being good enough to the surface, and im left to settle my own turbulent emotions whirling around my in my head.

some people refer to this as the 'devil'. honestly i'd rather not think so highly of my own doubt, insecurity and sadness. it is not an external force you are at war with, but instead, you are only fighting with yourself. in other words, you are your biggest enemy.

probably all of this stems from the fact that i've always lived in a shadow. whether it's been under an umbrella, or a huge wall that i'll never be able to overcome, the effect's been pretty much the same. i constantly feel like im in the dark, trying to get a grip on myself, but forever failing.

*

soo hurt my ankle AGAIN. twisted toes AGAIN. fungal reinfection AGAIN. tooot toooot tooooooooot. -__- im covered with plasters and guards and injuries of all sorts. i don't care what they say, im wearing slippers to school tomorrow. can't take the torture of having the feeling of my toenails being peeled off my toes and the constant urge to scratch my never-healing infection, and the wobbly-ness of my shoes taking it's own toll on my ankle. SIGH. i am, crippled at 16.

i slept, woke up, posted stuff on the volley wall, argued with my sister about her license, and im here. dying to go back to sleep but my homework is nagging me. GARH CRABBY AND GRUMPY AND FRUMPY. whatever la screw mod math. BED, HERE I COME.

what a load of crap la. im done. taa (:

betwix and between ;

2011-06-16T20:51:00.002+08:00

hey y'all (:

and so, all the 9 results that count towards my average have finally come back. the final verdict wasn't as harsh as i thought it would be, and truth be told, im actually pretty happy with how i did considering i started studying like 1 week before exams and blanked out half of the time during my science papers and history. better thank my lucky stars, because all the bullshit i wrote during the exams actually made sense to my teachers.

(:

backing away from this long, emotionally stressful period called, pre, during and post examinations, i've finally had some peace of mind in my afternoon nap this afternoon, which has been flooded with visions of horrid marks that will disappoint me and my parents for the past few weeks now. at least today, i had some good sleep (:

even so, there's a ton of things to do like installation and mps stuff, NIE, moral project, civics project and handling basic homework. there's also this thing with handling all these form 3 volleyball juniors this year because some of them have been making me pull out my hair in frustration because of their lack of cooperation and basic decency.

the degeneration of basic courtesy and manners especially in people even a year younger than me is surprisingly, surprising. not that im that judgemental to group ALL of them like that, but if this continues going on, im going to conclude that everyone younger than me needs to be strapped to a whipping pole and be branded with instructions on common courtesy with hot iron.

that's if their parents don't come with parangs on horseback charging at you like you're the devil.

*

to go for copa iba, or not to go? since that tummy ho and matthew wong can't make it, it'll be only me and pan chi nee. which will be kinda weirdd/ awkward the whole time -.- GARH I SWEARR I HAVE some disorder that makes me unable to make rational decisions.

*

oh shits. i just realised the facebook message i was meaning to send melissa that i drafted 2 days ago, was not sent -__________- facebook is screwing with my life weih. thank god i checked my sent folder out of instinct just now or i'll be having a verbal battle with bob tomorrow. PHEW.

*

8D totally bigass sheepish grin to remind my future self how freaking lazy i've become. i've come to the stage where my laptop is constantly on my bed. SIGHH XINJIN, WHY ARE YOU SUCHA SLOTHH. ): be active, and go run out in the sun dammit. you're becoming sucha hermit. go do some push ups as punishment >D

*

andd just out of my own random thoughts, here's a list of careers doomed to be impossible and out of my reach, FOREVER.

1. singer
2. dancer
3. anything even remotely remotely related to the performing arts.
4. teacher
5. sportsperson/ professional athlete
6. geologist
7. paleontologist
8. do something that majors in physics
9. stylist
10. architecture
11. painter

and the list of things that im not inclined to goes on forever. SIGHHH I WANT A DIRECTION IN LIFE ALREADY.

okk that's all folks. TAA.

2011-06-13T20:45:00.001+08:00

"IF YOU GET ANY LOWER THAN TOP 10 IM TAKING AWAY YOUR LAPTOP" says mom.

xinjin :

-______________________- does the makan nasi hand gesture while putting on a constipated face while turning into a cherry tomato trying to conceal the titanic amounts of putrid hate resonating from deep inside my now blackend and soot covered heart.

the scenario above if partially fiction, especially the part where i would actually do weird hand gestures in front of my mom when she's in the middle of lecturing me about study related things. i do not want to piss her off more when she's got 10000 more things to lecture me about and basically force her to make me into a more grumpy version of the scrooge i become after her lectures.

BAH I WISH TO ENROLL IN AN INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL WHERE THERE ARE NO BLOODY EXAMS FOR ME TO TAKE, AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY LIKE HELL FROM BEGINNING TO END.

bah, humbug. -.-

the life of students in exam oriented education systems are sad. take note, future parents )':

stuff i miss.

2011-06-12T20:35:00.001+08:00

these losers. now that matthew's in a different class, it's safe to say that we'll never be as close as we were anymore. i kinda miss the times where someone would suddenly say 'SAM XI TIMEE' and we'd huddle and make someone spill the beans. now we rarely even talk anymore and stopped exchanging high-fives too. i miss having this idiot around. :/

the times when i actually enjoyed being a librarian. honestly, i actually thought that i'll follow through with librarians and do my job with my heart in it until i finish school. the incident with pn zaini brought up too much hateful feelings and spite towards not only her, but to librarians as a whole. honestly after that, i never had the heart to fully commit myself to whatever librarian work that's been entrusted to me. in that manner, i've failed (;

being completely carefree, without having to worry about the near future at all.

pn ernice. i miss training with her, during rain and shine. i wish that she'd come back and whip all the form 3's into shape 8D i miss going out for random lunches with her and hiding in her car when she's left the engine on and speaking 'proper' english with her. li shan and tammy should know (':

TO BE CONTINUED NEEDA DO HW HAIZ MY MOMENT OF REMINISCING RUINED -.-

*continuing, (:

when my dog looked like this. when you could hold his tiny body with your arm and let people see his big, juicy (OKAYY WRONG ADJECTIVE) eyes staring back at you. *stares far into the distance*

and now, for the abstract things that i have no pictures for (:

being totally not image conscious. remember the time when nobody cared about looking fat? i wish to go back there. back to the time where we're not burdened by our own projections of what is beautiful. back to when everyone was happy with the way they look. maybe not happy, but unaware, uninfluenced by the poisonous media that's been polluting the minds of adolecents, forcing people to see beauty as skinny, pale, big busted models.

mm, sigh.

BEING ABLE TO EAT AND NOT GAIN A POUND. bah, the time when my family genes start wearing off, is the time where i truly, truly enjoy good food. ah well, give and take i guess. at least i know at one point i was eating like a pig but not putting on any weight ;p

ok and this shall conclude my post. nights (:

snips of phuket (:

2011-06-09T00:03:00.000+08:00

okayy so i put up the last picture cause of the old uncle's neon gear. kinda cool against the scenery, no? (: more to come pretty soon.

enjoyy :P

random questions to thyself ;

2011-06-07T00:46:00.001+08:00

1. what's your current biggest regret.

psht, not going for the sarawak xpdc la. honestly now i feel more hyped up than ever to go for sabah at the end of the year, if it even happens that is. i hope it does :/

2. something you fear.

being stupid. i have, no special whatevers, besides my brain at this point. if i lose that, i think that i will fall into a very very very deep pit of insecurity and might decide to resolve my troubles permanently by suicide. NO THANK YOU.

3. how's yer hols, mate?

i've been sleeping off the tiredness that i have accumulated collectively from 6 months of late nights, volley training and all sorts. i have also had the chance to watch a generous heap of anime that i have not been able to watch due to my lack of time. to put in siple terms, i have become a sloth. maybe im still partially human, because i've been hitting the gym and jogging these past few days. heck, i did 4.5 km on the treadmill today *bangga face*

whenever im not glued to my laptop, im staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of everything that's been messing up my mind these days. no doubt i've come to terms with alot of things on my own. acceptance can be a slow process, and with endless time, resolutions come at a natural pace (:

again, im trying to make myself feel that i've actually been productive these holidays -.-

4. best moments in the past week.

jogging. 'cause i was not sitting at home gaining weight.

muay thai boxing show. no doubt the arena was unsanitary and smelled like sweaty people, but at least i got to see a buffer white dude get beaten up by a scrawny thai boy. (Y)

5. anything that's made you happy.

IM CUTTING SCHOOL FOR 2 WEEKS NEXT YEAR TO GO TO HAWAII. :D and and and, it's the 2 weeks around 4th of july. super omega sales at that time. gahhhh getting ecstatic thinking about it (:

jogging.

the fact that i brought my laptop and there's wifi in phuket now. like, super fast internet too.

brother and sister coming back in july. my house is too quiet without them, really. unlike some people (NO DIRECT REFERENCE TO PEOPLE I KNOW) i like having my siblings around. with only a younger sister at home, im starting to get tired of having to boss her around to whip her into shape. K JOKING. i just miss the amount of noise my family tends to produce when we're altogether. especially during mealtimes (:

6. recently acquired pet peeve.

stupid cartoons. no really, the sound of them makes me wanna tear the tv apart, wire by wire. i remember the days when cartoons don't make kids stupid and retarded. now they have these really really idiotic shows and no more shows that even show a little substance. no wonder kids are getting ruder and more retarded. figuresss.

7. do you like, elephants?

no, i like platypuses. nothing better than a cute, platypus. oh, i like zebras too. one day, imma genetically engineer a multicoloured zebra-pony hybrid to entertain me for, forever :P

*

okay, total waste of time getting all these questions off a random question generator. -.- but heck, gave me a little insight on what i've been feeling recently. quite refreshing (:

ok toodless!

facing demons.

2011-06-03T01:30:00.001+08:00

i have positively wasted my life away these past few days. then again, i've been doing the things that i've been longing for, for the past few months of my extremely busy life. don't get me wrong, i enjoy being busy, but i also enjoy the feeling of having the freedom of doing whatever i want ; well sort of.

i've sorted out my sister's license issue. not started on chem project; but that can be done after the holidays. not started on moral project, because i don't know what shit to do. done checking all the resumes of applicants for mum. haven't emailed them yet. done checking flights to rebook for my dad. already called MAS.

still have loads to do :/ i think my moral project is coming with me to phuket. im already bringing my laptop so doing my chem work shouldn't be a problem. THERE'S EVEN WIFI AT THE HOTEL YOOOO. (:

english drama. im not part of the people who's writing the script, so no work for me yet. OH SUPER OVERDUE SEJARAH HOMEWORK. CRAPP. SUPER OVERDUE MORAL WORK TOO -.- argh sitting around and doing unproductive stuff time is over. time to start doing work already :/

oh michelle, sned me your gmail add. hotmail takes ages to upload one picture ): beh song. AND TEACH ME HOW TO DO MORAL TOOO (:

checklist for tomorrow.

!. call aunt and ask for her flight details and get everything written down.
2. see whether dad needs help with his flight stuff again.
3. start doing homework.
4. pack.
5. get all my nice clothes washed.
6. email all successful applicants for mum.
7. go jogging.
8. eat at regular timings.
9. revert my atrocious biological clock back to normal.

sigh, sab and li shan are probably having the time of their lives in sarawak. *GREEN WITH ENVY* at least we'll have loads to talk about the next time we meet. i'll try to pry out all the secrets they probably got while they were there. GAR HAR HAR HAR. can't wait to see you people again (:

and tammy ho, RETURN MY ADDMATH BOOK SOON K ): i can't believe that im actually saying this but i miss doing addmath already. one heck of a weirdo i am -.-

i'll get abit more work done and i shall hit the sack. toodles noodles (:

2011-06-01T23:50:00.001+08:00

blardy hell got a cut on my finger from playing too much guitar ): all my fingers are peeling freakishly alot too. bah, life goes on.

*

funny how words coming out from a idiots mouth can hurt so much. gah, im being overly sensitive. i shall go back to convincing myself that these sorts of people are douchebags and deserve to get their balls bitten off by a dog, peed on, and eaten by maggots in front of them. (:

getting your facts right ;

2011-05-31T22:06:00.003+08:00

do you people even know the meaning of the phrase 'in an open relationship'? i see all these people, putting their relationship statuses on facebook as 'in an open relationship' and i seriously doubt that you people actually know the meaning of it -.-

An open relationship is a relationship where one person does not own the other. The couple are not exclusively seeing each other and can date, flirt and hook up with other people should they wish to do so.

or,

a relationship between two people who can't commit to the relationship

in other words,

just plain ol' friends with benefits.

mmhm. that's the real meaning, in case you didn't know (: soooooooo do be sure about the meanings of these kinds of things before assuming otherwise, because you'll just be giving people like me extra entertainment to brighten up my day :P

no really, no insult intended. my purpose is to educate fellow human beings about the dangers of misused language (:

to the one and only hobo (:

2011-05-30T21:28:00.001+08:00

most favourite picture ever. :P

it's still early, but happy birthday, the first friend i made in secondary school, cheryl hobo yun-queenie :P

*

sigh. finding out that the main guy character in the anime i recently watched is voice by a female voice actress has shocked me to the core -.-

if you're content with everything,

2011-05-26T15:04:00.001+08:00

you're obviously not human.

it's different when you're at the recieving end of something. very different. i guess, everything has 2 sides, and now i understand how it feels for the other person. im more aware of how insensitive i find people to be when im put in that situation. im aware of how one little word can stick and hurt so badly. im aware of how every wrong word feels like hell. i, am now aware, of how it feels to be put into this situation.

in a way, im glad im put in this postition, so i can be more aware of people's feelings, and learn not to trample over them like an asshole.

i now know how not to act, because if it pisses me off, it'll piss anyone else off. life's like that. obviously my views on certain people have changed, but that's for the better i guess. ignorance may be bliss, but knowledge is power. i may view you in a completely different light now, and may even find you insensitive and ignorant, but that's because you've never been here.

learning through experience, is the best way of learning (:

taking good out of a horrible situation, and turn it into a lesson. that's how every bad situation should be handled.

this is what it feels like, to be in form 4 (:

i may walk slowly, but i never walk backwards.

2011-05-25T18:20:00.000+08:00

- Abraham Lincoln.

I DIDN'T FAIL ANYTHING yet! :'D honestly im so happy i would parade around SS2 with my testpapers, but unfortunately, they're to be kept with teacher, so my dream cannot be realised.

but that's okay (: knowing that i didn't fail chemistry was the best feeling in the world. instant relief. instant happiness. followed by extreme tiredness because today's chemistry class was, boring, to say the least.

BUT NOT TO DEVIATE FROM THE HAPPY EUPHORIC MOMENT I AM HAVING NOW, I AM, ON CLOUD 9 YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. best best best.

okay, maybe just a little bit of unhappy things to put in. i do not understand people who can't accpet their results as it is. like, seriously, why are you so unhappy. it's just an exam. be happy with whatever you get, see the bright side, move on. please do not ruin my awesome possum day by complaining. it's not fair to me, ya know.

OK HAPPY AGAIN MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA IM (':

mm, sure.

2011-05-24T12:49:00.003+08:00

sorry then, i shall refrain telling you how i feel, if that is the source of your anger. i let my tongue slip a little too often.

i feel disgusted at myself for gossiping like that too. sorry.

*

psht, now that i think about it, i don't know the definition of real friends anymore. what defines them? the amount of trust you put in them? the amount of help you're willing to give them in times of need? like-mindedness? the ability to be able to share anything with them?

honestly if those are what defines true friends, i am sad to say im too much of a controlled person to have one. too many bad experiences in discovering these people, that it's safe to say that i've given up looking for these people, if they ever exist in the first place. too many issues within myself to want to burden others with my problems.

too many things i refrain myself from saying because i've lost my ability to completely trust anyone.

i've always had this feeling of anger within me. angry with the fact that im never good enough for anyone. bad enough for people to constantly pick at my mistake like it's a dry scab. it's sickening, how my mind can wonder to thoughts of disappearing, because im so sick of everything. sick of living up to my own expectations. sick of living up to my parents expectations. sick of holding up my walls against the world. somehow all i want is to destroy everything, and start over.

as if that's ever going to happen.

i feel like, im so full of regret in my life already, that i can never move forward without some past incident haunting me. i feel as if the mistakes that i've made have formed a cage around me, preventing me from moving anywhere, except from the spot i am now. to put it metaphorically, i feel like a bird in a cage, able to see whatever there is outside but never able to get there.

im not asking for an ideal life, i just want to move on to a place where im aware of what i've done, instead of reliving every mistake i've ever done, constantly thinking of things that i should have done to prevent the problem. no matter how euphoric the moment may be, there's always a place in my mind, that is constantly thinking of what i should have done. but there is no place for what i should be doing.

hah, im not weak enough to turn to drugs and suicide and the likes of it. im also not strong enough anymore to put up a fake smile to displace my sad subconsciousness anymore.

'fake tears are capable of hurting others, but fake smiles are only capable of hurting oneself.'

i am, a filthy bundle of problems and regrets.

i don't need your pity or your concern. im just voicing out how i feel at the present moment, and the moment will pass.

to rebuild, one must destroy.

2011-05-23T21:16:00.000+08:00

i feel so, insecure. insecure with my results, my home, my looks,my capabilities, my talents (if they even exist), myself.

i've honestly no mood for normal human interactions right now, and the one thing i want to do is coop up at home and do counterproductive things to take my mind off whatever that's on my plate right now. i thought that after exams, school would be much easier to bear, and less of a drag. but going there today, i realised that there are still so many loose ends to tie up in my various responsibilities and the one thing i want to do now, is lie in thought, while conscious of the fact that i have ample time to work slowly and enjoy the progress of life.

obviously that is not a luxury that i have at the present time.

all i ask for is an extended period of time where i need not be strapped down by my relentless schedule and responsibilities.

OK SCREW THAT, HARLO AI AMZ FROM-ZUH CHAINAH ANDZ IZ LAIKE COOKIE!

(: needa lighten up already. stress so much, and nothing's gonna change. might as well take it in a good way, and not complain so much. last week of school before the mid-sem break, and i'm gonna live it out. (:

moving forward.

2011-05-23T00:16:00.000+08:00

stuff i'd like to do once i graduate, and earn a little money.

1. seriously go into rock climbing.
2. do volunteer work, if and when there's a natural disaster.
3. go for outward bounds, maybe?
4. give a go at writting an article for the newspaper.
5. work at an exciting place.
6. skydive.
7. trek the giant redwood forest in california.
8. develop my photo taking skills.
9. go for dancing classes :P
10. FURTHUR MY STUDIES OVERSEAS.

*list will be updated (:

drugs and happiness.

2011-05-22T01:43:00.002+08:00

argh so many things i want to say, but so many people i'll insult in the process of voicing out my opinions. tell me why again i should be restraining myself from this. what is the world is holding me back from being completely ignorant.

oh wait, i actually do care about what others think, and how they feel. i shall keep my strong opinions to myself for now, to avoid unnecessary, conflicts.

but i will say one thing,

i am extremely annoyed at people who are too absorbed with their apparent 'most important' person in their life to even bother caring about the people who have supported you nonetheless even through times of pain and hardship previously unknown to that person you treasure so much now. no, im not talking about you.

*

before i sink into the world of depression during the period where we receive our exam results, i shall, immerse myself in the closest thing to drugs and happiness that i know of without the damaging side effects. i will, read and watch an obscene amount of shows on my computer for the next 48 hours and completely fill it with heaven-like happiness so to displace as much depression i will come to face in the next month as much as possible. it is a hope of mine, that i will not be disowned by my parents because of failure.

failures are not tolerated in my family. and i wish to remain forever tolerable in my family, thank you very much. (:

*

pshtt, apparently today was judgement day. the only judgement i got was from the air con man who came in at the wrong moment, who happened to catch me lazily lying down on my couch eating biscuits and drinking milo between mealtimes, like a true fatty. i believe he is the only one that has judged me today. :P

and this is not the first time the world is supposedly coming to an end. so many times they've told us that we only have limited time left on earth, and yet again, here we are, releatively unscathed and fine, as always -.- why the hell do we need another judgement day prediction when 2012 isn't even here yet. ISH. all these people trying to scare the world into a state of horror, just to boost the sale of booze and other meaningless acts just to get people to savour the apparent last moments of their lives.

cheapskate.

*

honestly i think im blogging rather weirdly now, so excuse the way that im wording my sentences now, for i am currently under the influence of the language from a medieval court show. i should be back to normal by tomorrow (:

*

i've always wondered how life would be after i graduate. now, i have a goal, a certain goal, no doubt that i have to achieve, or bear the harsh consequences of it. but what about after all of that? that breif period of time between a new beginning and the ending of one phase of my life, will probably be the most uncertain time in my life, because i will only be filled with uncertainty of where to go next, as im not sure of my ambition :/ i don't intend to fully succumb to my mother's intentions of making me into the first doctor of my family, but now i have no other passions that are able to propell me into the direction i want to go. no, the problem is, i don't what what direction i should be going towards.

i am, aimless. what if i have yet to find my true calling by the time i have to make a crucial decision, that will ultimately decide how i live for the rest of my life. what if im forced to take the route preset by my parents long before i had the free will to decide what my true calling is in life. what if, i take this route, and regret for the rest of my life, only to end up hating everything that has pushed me into that direction.

what if i end up being a slave to my parents ambitions, and work tirelessly for a noble job, that i do not, and will never enjoy.

i still think i will be too immature to make that decision for myself next year. mark my words, by the end of this year, i will yet to have decided what i want to do in the future. i am, a mess. \

*

ahh too much thought to process in one go. whatever, my shows are calling out to me. TAAAAA (:

ultimation.

2011-05-20T23:02:00.000+08:00

argh i told myself that i won't let constant fear of getting my results back bug me for now, but somehow whenever i think of something remotely related to the word 'failure' or 'exams' or 'it's over' my mind will automatically sway to this topic whether i like it or not. no seriously, this will probably the last few days that i'll be able to spend with a peace of mind because starting on monday, results will start flooding in and i expect a tsunami of tears to crash into my bedroom wall.

sigh sigh sigh. i wonder how my results will fare against my ridiculous expectations of myself. im starting to get the feeling that im extremely naive for thinking that i could maintain the results that im used to by putting in slightly more effort. if i fail anything this term, i'll probably condemn the rest of my year to continuous studying to make up for my failure. even if i don't fail anything, i already got one D so yeah, i will still condemn myself to continuous studying.

life, can be sad sometimes, no?

i never realised that exams could affect me so badly :/

*

on a lighter note, i can finally watch my shows without feeling guilty about not studying (Y) not that the guilty feeling actually affected me that much, since i started watching my shows in marathon mode during the exam period anyways. BUT HOHOHOHOHOHO NOW THERE'S NO SUCH GUILT :P

and i can start exercising again ('': my body feels rather odd now. for too long already, my butt has been squashed onto the chair, burning close to no calories, doing nothing the whole day. im actually kinda disgusted at my lifestyle for the past month. must start working those muscles again. teen and child obesity rates are rapidly increasing, and i do not want to be another statistic -.-

*

funny how writing comes so easy to me now, but writing a simple english essay during my exam took such a great effort to write. but thinking over, who would honestly be able to write fluidly about 'how to be a good malaysian' unless you're some patriotic fanatic. and the topics they gave for continuous writing were, kinda i don't really know what to say about it, but i expected something with more depth. i don't know. maybe they left the part of making it interesting to us. honestly, who gives 'a person i admire' as a topic anymore? that's like, something i'd expect to write when i was form 1, maybe, but not now.

ARGH XINJIN, STOP COMPLAINING ALREADY )":

*

this is why, you should never let your friends interact with your dense little cousins. the outcome will be like so. this is too epic i tell you :PPPP

too funny too funny too funny!

i don't know what to do with myself anymore.

2011-05-19T21:52:00.000+08:00

i hope i don't kill myself by the time i finish getting all my results back.

or if i do, i'll probably be a depressed shit sitting at the roadside cause i've no more home after my parents disown me after finding out my results.

k. not so happy anymore.

sigh.

looks like,

2011-05-18T22:49:00.002+08:00

blogger is meant to be my one and only. i don't like the follower thing on tumblr. makes you self-conscious and narcissistic. yuck. i hate feeling like that, and therefore, i got rid of the very thing that was making me feel that way.

gosh, i feel relieved (:

*

exams are about to be over soon, and im in the holiday mood already. ahh, sweet times will come after this period of hell, but then again, the worst is yet to come -.- getting my results back has never been something i dreaded so much in my life, and now i feel like i've failed everything.

please don't let me fail anything ):

*

my astro decoder died on me. AGAIN. -_________- stupid astro beyond, not even one month of usage and you're dead already? i condemn your manufacturers to lives of failed products which will lead to lawsuits which will lead to misery which will lead to DEATH.

astro better be thanking their lucky stars that they're the only cable tv operators in malaysia, or else everyone would have switched sidesw aeons ago. -.-

*

looking back at all my old posts, i felt a wave of nostalgia rush through me, as i recollect all the itty bitty pieces of my past that have been long forgotten, and remember all those pledges i made for myself. my god, how i have changed these past few years. some of the posts, made me cringe in disgust, because i never thought that i would have the capability to be immature enough to post something so, shallow. and some of them, stunned me, because the complexity of my sentence structures then seemed to have been better than it is now. ugh, deteriorating english. life's not fair to malaysians who like speaking good english ):

but then again, everyone goes through this stage, and in a way, im quite glad that i had a chance to reminice all the things i've been through, and all the feelings that were running through me as i was typing out every post. reading my old posts makes me feel old (':

if i ever happen to keep this blog until i reach college and beyond, i'll probably look back at this post and laugh at myself, now, because in the future, im sure that i'll have a different set of opinions and views on the world than what i have now.

im happy that i was able to capture a moment of my personality at a certain point of time in my life, in words. but then again, i can't help but feel sorry for my past self for being so stupid ):

but it's all good. what better guilt-free entertainment is there than laughing at yourself? (:

*

wooh, i've started a new series, and it's begging me to continue watching it. TAA TAAAA SUCKERSS (:

frugal.

2011-05-17T21:58:00.003+08:00

if there was a common characteristic that's really apparent amoung my siblings, it'll be that we're all frugal people.

growing up avoiding certain colours of sushi plates on the conveyor belt, not buying anything above rm 30, setting the timer of the air con to turn off at 3am. at one point in time my family was going through a really hard time and we were all, brought up to be as thrifty as possible.

my brother, probably got the worst of it. he was in secondary school when this happened and there were alot of things he didn't do because he knew how much we were living on. honestly i don't remember it too clearly because i was really really young, but i remembered that my parents were in a really bad mood everyday and suddenly we weren't allowed to eat out so much anymore, and my dad didn't spend on albums, like he used to anymore.

i don't regret growing up like that. i appreciate money and food and material things. but honestly i think i've become frugal to the extent that i don't buy anything. im reluctant to get nice clothes because they're usually expensive. i stop myself from having an extended train of thought when i see something nice in a store. i never try on clothes, unless i really like it, and it's within my price range, because im afraid that if it happens to look good on me, i'll end up regretting not buying it.

i feel like im subconsciously still trapped in the days where money was hard to come by and every little thing had to be treated like treasure. i feel like, im not living like a normal teenager, who shops and gets nice things and wears a different shirt everyday. obviously i've tried reminding myself that we've got at least a little money to spend on nice things now, but it's become a part of me, this instinct to savesavesavesavesave and not spend.

ahh well. at least i vented this out. (: things will get better, in time. i will overcome this, idon'treallyknowwhattocallit of mine, and i shall begin to live, abit more like an average person.

**

and in case you're wondering, i do self-therapy on my blog. my state of mind before i write a post and after i do is totally different, when im talking about serious things. writing really does wonders. i come to simple resolutions all the time while blogging, and those are the resolutions that really stick. like that no milo and food in between meals thing? still ongoing. i've violated it once, but i paid myself back. (':

thank god i have a blog. god knows where else i can almost freely express my thoughts and opinions like this. and to top that off, i get to show people how awesome my english is. :P

meh, that's not really the point, but honestly, i think the state of my english would be rotten if i didn't start blogging back in form 1. blame it on the horrible state of english usage in malaysia.

*

funny how people use the word 'love' so freely nowadays. i don't understand how immature people think that they can fully commit to a lasting relationship with another person, who is outside your family. some of them don't even know the meaning of commitment, and they're already out there, on the prowl for their so-called, life partners. i get irritated when people fling around words like 'i love you' and not know the full meaning and extent of what you're saying.

i hate people who get into relationships and break up after 2 weeks. i will never understand how your mind works, because i think no matter how love-smitten you are, you should never put yourself through a break-up for nothing. i think people should learn how to distinguish between true love and infatuation, because nobody can build a lasting and honest relationship based on infatuation and lies.

sorry if this topic pops out too often, my anger gets sparked whenever i see all these small kids expressing their 'love' towards each other on facebook -.-

ah then again, it's your life, no? (:

*

ah well, toodles! (:

okayy, this looks weird. but heck, it took me 5 minutes to upload this and im not just gonna delete it -.-

:PP

fatal attraction.

2011-05-17T15:54:00.002+08:00

2MOREDAYS. (':

kinda bad and good that there's only 2 more days of exams. for one thing, i have no more mood to study. AT ALL. i've kicked into holiday mood already. ahh whatever, it's just bm and mod math tomorrow (:

no sweat after the paper's over. i shall not let regret steal away the awesome possumness of the holidays (:

*

i want, an iphone ]':

yes, my parents did promise to get me one after i furfilled my portion of the bargain of getting straights for pmr and trials. but ugh, it's already june and they still haven't released the iphone 5 yet. sometimes i just feel like getting the white iphone 4 and get over with it. my current phone is a shame to advancement in science and technology, really -.-

it only stores 75 messages at a time. there is no button to control the volume. i cannot view my call lists. i have to save someone's number twice because it doesn't recognise +6012******* and 012******* as the same number -.-

honestly sometimes i get so irritated at myself for losing my decent nokia. at least that one let me control how many messages i wanna store in my sent messages folder -.-

and to add to that, my young cousin, that i see on a regular basis, got an itouch. YES, ITOUCH. LIKE, WHATTABUCK. you don't give a 9 year old an itouch. they abuse it and they get bored of it and soon enough they want a phone. and mind you, once you've got a taste of apple products, i don't think anything else will do anymore.

oh to top that off, she asked me, 'xinjin, why your phone no colour one?'. LITTLE KID IMMA CHOKE YOU TILL YOUR MOUTH FOAMS AND YOUR GALL BLADDER COMES OUT OF YOUR NOSE. CAN'T YOU SEE IM TRYING TO WAIT FOR GOOD THINGS TO COME TO ME.

go play with your itouch and leave me alone -______-

argh, i sound like sucha brat. but i'll continue to be patient.

but for now,

this will do (:

things that piss me off about blogger.

2011-05-15T00:12:00.000+08:00

okay, maybe one big thing that gets on my nerves.

so yeah, i tried to download a skin from blogskins, and it was a REALLY PRETTY SKIN MIND YOU, and guess what, i got this.

REALLY, BLOGGER, REALLY? -_______- it's just closing the < br > code -.- let it go already. i don't know what the second error is but, i guess the main reason it wasn't even going to preview this pretty awesome skin is because of that.

fine. i went and closed ALL the tags. and guess what?

-__________________-

giving up already. argh better to use tumblr when using foreign templates. blogger is like some OCD patient that has to make sure every window pane is closed and polished before it can go approve of your template )':

coming to terms with myself.

2011-05-14T16:57:00.005+08:00

i need to learn to accept the fact the fact that some people are just, more talented than i will ever be in some things. yess, if i were to have it my way, i would pwn in everything, but that wouldn't be fair so YEAHH.

people give and take. so what if some people are good at *catching frogs*. their attitude may be *sunshine daisies and fresh pine grass* and they may *have cow milk* at their studies. it's okay. all is well and good.

footnote ; *_____* means you can change the words inside to anything you want :P

stop being such and asshole xinjin, and start being proud of other people's achievements instead of cursing them so that *grass grows out of their toenails*

*

1 week over, 3 days to go. exams are sapping my energy away, seriously. honestly i hope that this experience ends and i can go and enjoy myself. arghhh, i long for the moment of relief when the teacher says *time's up* on the last paper.

(':

i will wait patiently. by this time next week, i am a free girl. free to do as i please with my time, instead of feeling bad for not studying.

and i can finally have time to start exercising again <3

*

i wanna go for the AXN big challenge! ): but i obviously can't run the thing alone and i need like 2 fit people above 18 to form a team. haiyoh. dream crashed and burned already. screw it. i'll run the energiser night marathon next year whether or not my mum lets me. they have cool shizz t-shirts yo. NEON COLOURED SHIRTS ARE THE BOMB. and they give free headlamps too. DEFINITELY GOING BEFORE MY HIGH SCHOOL LIFE ENDS.

*

speaking about stuff i want to do before i leave school (which is sadly, in less than 1 1/2 years to go). i think i'll list out some of the things i want to do (and some that i have already done, just to feel good about myself) before i graduate. (:

1. ~~climb the roof of the hall.~~
2. ~~climb over the gate across the school hall~~
3. perform on the stage.
4. climb the platform above the stage in the hall.
5. break a window pane. :P
6. paint a mural.
7. run 12 rounds around the school field.
8. get into MSSS.
9. get a really, really nice jersey.
10. win a medal during sports day. )':
11. take the javelin throwing event.
12. win a gold medal.
14. burn my books on the school field after SPM and dance around it.
15. purposely fail a class test/ exam paper.
16. GO FOR XPDC.
17. ~~designed t-shirt and badges~~
18. break a chair.
19. do something completely outrageous to remember the good times (:
20. ~~ponteng school~~ (kinda, sorta did :P)

LIST WILL BE UPDATED.

*

you know, it doesn't seem the same anymore, now that you're the way you are. it's not like im asking you to dance to my beat, or asking you to put me in front of every other thing that you have. yes, your situation is, different from mine. different enough to put up invisible walls around certain matters.

the small things that show distrust in others, actually hurt. i feel like i don't know you anymore. and honestly i get the feeling that you couldn't care less anymore.

but that's okay. live your life the way you want to. there's so many things i'd like to say, but i don't, because i think that nothing will change for the better. in fact, if i let my tongue slip, it might even get worse. there are so many things i disapprove of, but i keep my mouth shut about it.

cause i refuse to cross whatever imaginary line i have drawn for myself on these matters. (: and i think it's better that way, that i stay specifically in one part of your life, without intruding into the other.

(:

hydrocarbons and regrets.

2011-05-12T14:40:00.000+08:00

argh, need to let it go already. i have never in my life left a single blank in my testpapers before. no matter how clueless, no matter how slim the chance of it being even remotely close to the real answer, i'll put something there.

and today, i blanked a whole page.

but whatever, i only lost a minimum of 20 marks. NO SWEATT. still by the school's stadrads pass.

by my own standards, i've failed already.

*

oh and sejarah? my hand was a loaded gun ready to fire out bullshit. THE BULLSHIT HANDGUN. like wth mann, i didn't even know what crap i was writing for the essay. die die die die.

*

people say the first term form 4 exams are easy. whoever said that should be skinned alive and rolled around in salt.

i've never felt so, depressed after an exam like this before. AHH, PART OF LIFE PART OF LIFE. SUCKK IT UP AND GET OVER IT, XINJINN.

there's still end terms to make up for this (:

***

okehh, got closure liao. next time im facing this is when the paper comes back. :/ but oh well, that's for future me to deal with (:

decisions.

2011-05-11T19:53:00.000+08:00

to fail history, or to fail bio?

my god im so jealous of the sub science people who got 1 flippin day to study chem and history. arghhh AGAIN REGRETTING BECOMING A BIO STUDENT -.-

and the bio paper was hard as hell.

WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHAT'S THE DIFF BETWEEN A POLYPEPTIDE AND DNA LAAA. like seriously, ask questions that we actually study for. motherr the amoeba question didn't come out either.

and the objective was hard too -.-

at least the essay part didn't suck too bad la. if that sucked, tmn sea's bio students are gonna shove those red marks down the pengetua's tudung (: that'll tell her not to mess with our exam schedule.

*

so yeahh i kinda already made up my mind to fail history because i don't give two shits about it. GAR HAR HAR HAR end of life as we know it la )':

stupid school la, for putting 2 hard subjects in a day.

studehh time ):

schmysics.

2011-05-10T16:07:00.001+08:00

i'll be glad to get anything above a C for physics. totally messed up my eassay mann. you tell me la, how to explain how rockets fly into the air. five marks question summore. ISH ISH ISH ISH. -_________-

at least i didn't answer both essay questions :P NGAHAHAH SUCKERSS DIDN'T READ THE QUESTION PROPERLY :P

oh yeah, i slept for an hour during english. better than slugging it out for the whole 2 1/2 hours like everyone did for bm. AHH, ENGLISH IS THE BOMBB (:

*

my god, what the crap was going through my mind when i signed up for pure science. honestly i think life would be so much easier if i went to arts.

ah whatever at least i get to dissect stuff and play with magnesium ribbons and and handle dangerous materials and they don't :3

*

beware. complaints ahead.

one thing i hate people being ; NOT APPRECIATIVE.

okayy so i bugged my parents for 3 years to upgrade my violin, and they refused to. apparently they had their own reasons. fine, i accepted it. so without an upgrade, i couldn't continue. my current violin can't do vibrato and i obviously cannot keep asking my teacher to lend his violin to me.

i ended up dropping the one thing that i actually thought i was good at. but no worries, i completely understand.

or at least i did. AND THENNNNN, my parents decided that my younger sister needed to pick up a musical instrument. SO THEY BOUGHT HER A BLOODY 1.3K GUITAR. and guesss whattt? she isn't interested.

wow. wow. wow. wow.

they made me give up something that really meant alot to me. and for them to burn money on my sister, who couldn't give two shits about anything other than art. i am appaled by the amount of biased love i have to go through to live my life.

and guess what, no matter how many times i tell her to pick up her slack, and actually TRY to play HER guitar, all she can do is ignore me.

WTHHH MANNN WHAT SHIT IS THIS. TELL ME WHAT SHIT THIS IS. YOU. UNAPPRECIATIVE. SHIT.

but whatever. i like the guitar. i'll take this as payment for the violin you never got me. no worries, im a chilled kid with a brand new guitar now (:

and i actually like my guitar. which makes it all the better for me. and i get to keep it in my room, since nobody else in the house uses it. EVEN BETTER FOR ME.

moral value : be, innovative? idk. but basically make the most of what you've got la (:

i've yet to name it. any ideas? (:

never mind, i'll find someone like you.

2011-05-09T14:34:00.003+08:00

garh my laptop's overheating all the time nowadays ): i think when my brother's back i'll get him to open it up and check whether the fan's still working :/

*

BM SUCKED. ZOMG BM SUCKED SUCKED SUCKED SUCCULENT CHERRY TOMATOES, IT DID. i wrote nonstop for 2 1/2 hours. I DIDN'T EVEN STOP TO THINK ABOUT MY NEXT SENTENCE. i would honestly sit for pmr 100 times over than take another BM paper 2.

yes, it was that bad. and the worst thing is, im not even confident with half the things i wrote. which will guarentee me a place in C-ville. ahh, how life sucks sometimes (:

*

exam stress leads to excessive consumption of high calorie foods.

TRUE. i am, a living example of complete nutcase amount of eating after i stop exercising )': and so, from today onwards, i shall pledge myself againsts these unhealthy eating habits.

1. i will not drink milo at anytime of the day, except for breakfast.
2. i will not consume any food between mealtimes. except for fruits and salad.
3. sweets are forbidden.
4. i will devise a simple exercise routine so to prevent me from becoming a glob of fat by the next month.
5. for every rule i break, i owe myself 50 sit-ups and 50 push-ups. punishment is not negociable.
6.repeat offence will double original amount of punishment.
7. several offences will lead to inhumane amount of push-ups and sit ups so i better not even consider it.
8. this set of rules apply until i resume volleyball training.

AND I HEREBY BANISH MY UNHEALTHY LIFESTYLE, IN THE NAME OF NOT GAINING WEIGHT AND LOOKING LIKE A WATER BUFFALO.

(:

*

still no water at home. *sigh*i don't know when it's going to come back, and it couldn't be at a worse time, because the weather's been so bloody hot these few days ): ah well, fingers crossed it'll come back by tonight la (:

*

mrrhhhh physics tomorrow. better start studying already la. (: TOODLES, SCHMOUDLESSS!

i want, a holiday ):

don't put too much of your heart into something, because if that falls apart, so will you.

what should not be done before exams.

2011-05-08T22:13:00.004+08:00

1.make fun of your sister's new hairstyle by taking a gajillion pictures of it.

no la, she doesn't look this weird. i just found the 'perfect' camera angle to showcase the best assets of her new hair. :PPPPP

2. facebook. oh, this soul-sucking activity just has so many ways to suck you back in, even though there's really nothing special going on at all -.-

3. take an afternoon nap. my god how could i have let myself do this.

4. watch tv. *guilty face*

5. study half-heartedly. oh the mind drifts easy and i unfortunately let my get too far today. ):

6. study subjects that are not coming out on the next day. I DID ADDMATH #@$$%^&%$^#$.

7. blog. oh well, releasing stress here okay. im drowning in exam fever and honestly i can't wait for it to be over even when it hasn't even started yet D:

*

OKAYY. EXAM TIME IS HERE LIAO. SERIOUS TIME (yeah i said this last week too but whatever la k). i am absolutely terrified and have no idea what the crap is going to come out or how to go about answering anything. basically, im clueless. but after this exam i'll probably start having an idea of what's going on. but for now, NGAHAHAHAHAHAH TEMBAK MAMPUS ;D

rasional ; boleh berfikir berdasarkan alasan dan bukti yang nyata dan dapat mengambil tindakan berasaskan pertimbangan yang wajar :P

post #356.

what if ;

2011-05-08T00:35:00.000+08:00

i had siblings who didn't have brains the size of countries.
i didn't care how my results turned out.
i could actually run.
i had a different primary school life.

my god, so many what if's, and no answers. i feel so burdened by the fact that if i had chosen a different path in at a certain point in time, i would be living a completely different, possibly happier life.

then again, the mistakes we have made are the ones that have shaped us into whoever we are today. sometimes, silly mistakes have helped us make amazing friends in the process. then again, i wish i could have selectively chosen which mistakes i could have avoided and fixed them.

make the blemishes of my past go away.

*

It’s funny how people throw this word around these days. You hear them say “I love him, I love her” When they have only just started dating each other. I’ve learnt from experience now that Love doesn’t come that easily. Love at first sight does not exist. Lust at first sight, however does. I get so annoyed watching people say they Love their partner when they barely even know who they are, they are so ignorant. They spend 5 days with them and automatically think they are now “in-love” because the other person makes them feel good about themselves. Makes them feel special and pretty, which quite honestly without that person they would not be. These people mistake the fine line between infatuation and love. A very wise friend of mine put things into perspective for me and now I think clearly; People like them do not have the necessary mindset to put themselves in a position of a relationship. Most people in our generation have a perception of a relationship where both partners maintain the level of intimacy they both have when they first meet; this doesn’t happen. When that ‘love’ so to speak and the dust starts to settle down, that is where the serious part of a relationship comes into effect. People who have a relationship built on lust, infidelities, cheating and lies will never survive once that lust becomes bordom. The relationship then becomes futile. These people attract insecurities and the wrong temptations within their relationship and evidently will get hurt in the end. Values and similarities between two people often get mistaken for the same thing. People might share the same activities causing them to have similarities and believe they are destined to be together, but if they don’t have strong values or share the same values, then the relationship again becomes futile once the hype of lust becomes the, all too familiar. Love isn’t a word that you should throw around at just anyone, I too have been a victim to this. Now I know better and can only hope that others do not choose a path of lust and infidelity and mistake it for love.

*

tumblr gold, i tell you. the person who wrote this should preach to couples who totally confuse their infatuation with so called "true love". piss people off only la, this people who go all mushy-mushy on facebook and announce their relationship to the whole world and 2 weeks later, break up liao.

oh, what happend to, IM SO IN LOVEE ^_^\/

i'd love to see your future true love when he/she finds out that you had 40 ex-boyfriends/girlfriends (:

oh, how evil i am, to diss all these people. but heck, it's my blog and i say ALMOST everything i feel like saying whenver i want to. *big sheepish grin* :D

*

i kinda have this sliver of regret for adding all the volleyballers on facebook now. they're all gushing about msss and im, well, gonna be taking exams on monday. im so, envious. then again, i have accepted the fact that im not good enough yet and i should be focusing on things that i can actually change like, MY EXAM RESULTS. so, with this last rant, i shall stop complaining about volleyball related things, and instead complain about study related things. HEHE (:

mhmm.

2011-05-05T19:14:00.002+08:00

totally serious about studies already. studying in the library ALMOST alone for 3 days. *bangga face* i think bringing 50000 people to go study with you in the library is a waste of time -.- i mean seriously la, if you're all not completely serious about studying, you're gonna end up talking with your friends instead of studying anything.

garhh 4 days to mid term someone kill me )':

the picture above clearly shows the difference between the artistic abilities of my sister and myself. I HAVE BEEN SHAMED.

but life is fair (: PRETTY RIGHT THE SWAN! :P

emotional punching bag.

2011-05-03T22:13:00.002+08:00

yes, i totally understand that my parents are stressed. they come home late everyday, make stupid excuses for me to skip tuition and are driving themselves to the point of insanity. what they totally DO NOT understand, is that they have consciously or unconsciously turned me into their emotional punching bag.

every little thing i do is a mistake for them to pick on, and lecture me for it. all their sickening black hatred pouring out on me at random times. and yes, my other siblings are all godsent children from the heavens and beyond and i seem to be the only black sheep among your perfect family. how swell.

they keep complaining about how they have to put up with ME, instead of the other way around. honestly i don't even bother putting up a fight anymore. everything i say or do is a mistake to them and i have to be punished for it, one way or another.

tell me what to do, in situations like this. YES, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME. YES, YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME TO CARE ABOUT WHAT I THINK OR FEEL OR WHAT IM GOING THROUGH IN LIFE NOW. i completely understand.

the least you could do is not make me seem like the worst thing that's ever happened to you.

oh yes, and those comparisons between me and my sister? they hurt. it hurts to think how bloody highly you think of her and how easily you can dismiss everything i've ever put effort into. how easily you praise her in front of my face all the time, without ever forgetting to mention how much of an excellent child she is compared to me in the process.

yes i am not as willing to help you as she did. did you EVER BOTHER TO CONJURE UP ANOTHER REASON OTHER THAN THAT I AM A FAT LAZY PARASITE? did you ever think for a moment, that when you ask for my help at work on sundays, i was recuperating from working 14 bloody hours a day commuting from school to volleyball training to tuitions to guitar class and the likes of it. did you ever realise that i was as tired as you were and unfortunately, i don't have time to hog the tv at night because you are hogging it all to yourself. i was busy trying to finish up whatever homework i could.

im sorry im not superhuman enough for you.

wonders how i haven't gone insane from all of this. even when you're not angry at me, you snap back at me and call me some degrading insult that honestly, really paints a good picture of what you think of me.

god, how i wish i could furfill your statements about me. but doing that will only affect my future, and i am probably the only one left that actually gives a shit about it.

i am going through as hard a time as you are. except that i do not scream and shout at your face as you do to me. my heart is not made of stone, and being capable of having emotions means that i can be/am hurt by whatever you let slip out of your mouth.

i need, a pillar of strength to lean on. something that won't come and bite me back, even if i show weakness.

god please give me strength to fight through this adversity.

MULTICOLOUREDGLOWINGLIGHTSTICK :P

2011-05-02T22:44:00.000+08:00

and so, i finally decided to try out light painting. never in my life, would i have expected it to be so bloody fun, in a really odd way. it's like one part of me actually got creative for once in my life.

BOO YAH. and the greatness of the multicolouredness came from the most unexpected source ever.

excuse the extreme lousyness of my beloved webcam (: BUT ANYWAYSS, it's some free pen from popular. zomg much la. can't even believe how useful it turned out to be. you have furfilled your purpose, multicouloured glowing light stick (':

the only thing that didn't make me happy today was that, my momma, put down my light painting pictures D: i quote ;

WHAT LA YOU USE THE CAMERA TO DO ALL THESE FUNNY THINGS. USE IT TO TAKE REAL PICTURES LA

arrow straight through the heart mann )': but no matter, i shall go in search of like-minded people who appreciate art (':

sabrina, i totally owe you one for introducing me to this mann.

*

on the other hand, i studied bio for 5 hours today. and i only covered 2 chapters. D: and i still couldn't do the essay questions. MAJOR DIE DIE DIE. tomorrow will be another bio day la.

i haven't finished my 350 words essays either. another reason to die. i was so caught up in finishing my overdue librarians work and studying bio that i TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT BM. not to mention that bm is now my weakest subject.

pshtt. stupid exam oriented asian education system -.-

taaa! (:

about time i cleaned up my act.

2011-04-30T20:07:00.010+08:00

okays, there's a few thing's i'd like to accomplish in the next few months.

1. clean up my attitude.

i've come to the realisation that im not a very friendly person. i realised that i act like a complete biatch to cover up my feelings of nervousness or inferiorities. not cool yo, not cool. i've made it a point to be totally conscious of this ugly trait of mine, and im making it a priority to fix this. i feel supremely disgusted at myself for acting like so. i've only realised this like 10 seconds ago. my god, i've been such an asshole.

thank you, mssd, for helping me realise this trait of mine. next year, i will come back completely different (:

i will be consciously aware of the faces i give towards other people and i will definitely, attempt to be more friendly. after all, it's always good to see nice people (:

2. i shall not solely judge a person's character based on the gossips of other people.

it's bad, to conclude that people are complete asses only by the word of mouth. i don't like that being done to me, and hell to the no, i will not give people that similar treatment.

i shall only judge someone when i actually get to know him/her.

3. i will not neglect my studies like i have anymore.

this, has the least possibility to succeed, but oh well, i might as well put it up to make myself feel bad in the future if i do not heed the promises i have made to myself. (:

4. i shall not blindly believe in anything that's not meant to ever happen.

at least, things that are not meant to happen at the present time. like getting into msss, that can wait for another year. another year of blood, sweat and tears. but ah well, i can be patient for at least that long. (:

the time shall come for everything.

5. i will keep my ill feelings towards others to myself.

because, spreading the hate is a shallow and lowly thing to do. i've been brought up to shun giving people a bad name. why should i stop practicing that? so what if im unhappy with something that person has done. the most i can do, is tell that person. at least i can save people a few minutes of their lives entertaining my ill thoughts.

yes, that is what i will do from now on. (:

6. i will make a greater effort to understand people better.

sometimes i find myself completely blind towards the situations of others. i don't want to blurt out the wrong things to people, again. i don't want to hurt people anymore than they already have been.

7. i will not be some self-important, narcissistic asshole. 'nuff said.

& after much deliberation with the badass side of myself,

8. from after this post, i will immediately stop all saying all words such as bitch, and the infamous four letter word, except when referring to myself, and only myself.

i shall not refer to another human being, animal, plant, dog or platypus in such a degrading manner anymore. no, i will not even call matthew leong a female dog anymore, although he deserves to be called so. i guess i kinda had a spur of vulgarity this past few weeks, and i apologise. i have been indecent.

i am deeply shamed )':

and lastly,

9. i shall not let jealousy get the better of me.

accepting myself as i am, in the environment that i have been brought up in, and the family that i have. i will not let my jealousy of others get in my way of life. they have their own problems too.

*

after reflecting on myself, i've realised, some of my traits that i would like to well, expel? well basically, i'd like to be a nicer person. i won't attempt to uphold the greater good in all situations, but i'd like to be as far away from being a mean prat as possible, without compromising my own share of fun (:

taaaa! (:

credits to sabbie for taking this really really creepy picture ;P

time to buck up.

2011-04-29T20:42:00.002+08:00

it's about time i get serious about my studies la. i have not studied seriously for ANYTHING this year, except for maybe my first chemistry test. quite heartbreaking to see my monthly test results. then again, i forgot that this isn't form 3 anymore, and i can't expect to score in anything unless i put at least a teeny weeny bit of effort into my studies.

sigh. and to add to that, mama who apparently doesn't care about my monthly tests sudedenly decided to ground me till exams are over because she found my atrocious monthly teat results -.-

ah, but life is only so fair to the people who don't put in effort. about time i recieved divine retribution i guess.

time to get serious la. i don't think i can dilly dally like i've been doing for the whole of my life anymore.

*

aside from my currently atrocious state of academic related issues, i also happen to have many uncertainties/ things to bitch about after school activities.

before i start, i would like to say that i will harbour no more ill feelings in this matter after i have vented. i have never intended to hurt anyone with this, and if you happen to feel insulted or hurt, please don't.

what's going to happen to the volleyball team now?the under15's are coming to the under18 team, and honestly i don't think any of them know how to do half the things the current seniors did last year. how many of these girls know how to set up the net. how many of them have taken the balls from the QM room before, how many of them would actually really respond to you when you ask for help. how many of them would take the initiative to sweep the court if it's wet if they arrive early for training.

NONE. not one of them, have ever helped us without us having to scream our bloody heads off till our blood vessels explode. i can't remember a single occasion where they offered to learn how to set up the net, or even hanged around us when we were doing extra stuff for the team. WHO'S GONNA DO ALL THIS SHIT AFTER LI SHAN AND MYSELF LEAVE?

no one. nobody is gonna bloody know how to do anything. they're all gonna expect the net to be magically set up, the balls magically flown in from the QM, t-shirt orders to be magically sent, MSSD forms to be magically filled.

honestly, i think all of this shit is happening because nobody enforced any discipline on these kids since the beginning. so they think that they can get away with playing with their phones all the way before training, or or or do whatever shit they want la. sure, let us handle the admin work for another year while you sit back and relax.

-_________- don't screw with me k.

*

okayy, im done venting. (: *satisfied face*

i was ;

2011-04-26T22:06:00.006+08:00

just like you.

unable to find myself, and instead gathering whatever qualities in others that i would like to see in myself. never truly having my own opinion, because i was too afraid to face rejection. yup, sounds just like me in form 1.

come to think of it, if i were to ever meet the former me, i think i would have hated myself. hated the fact that i never had a strong belief in anything. hated the fact that i was just some, idon'tknowwhat. but then again, it's a stage of life. identity crisis is normal.

but i guess i've sort of found my identity. i know what music i don't like, i know that i don't exactly HATE HATE HATE pink, i know what kind of books i like, and i talk like myself now, for once in my life.

oh yes, t shirts and skinny black jeans and shorts are the bomb. so are loose ass t-shirts. (:

heh, my opinions are plentyful now.

but then again, im still in the middle of discovering myself. ah well, people learn something new about themselves till the day they die.

:P

*

oh yes, i don't see why people spend 21390485091438508423094823094 hours editing their pictures. ALL OF IT. ONE BLOODY BULK. holy crap, i don't even have the patience to edit one until im actually satisfied with it. how do you people conjure up the patience and the time to edit like 100 at once.

you weird people.

*

pshtt, yes, im not supposed to be online thiss close to exams. -___- i consider myself revising english now. i am, applying whatever redundant things that they teach during english every single year. my god, i make really good excuses up for myself.

and i studied bio and physics okay *bangga face*. didn't bother touching my bm essay, because i resent that subject so much. ah well, at least i've cleared up most of my overdue homework today.

(:

*

and and and, since volley mssd is over, i can actually come home and take naps on tuesdays and thursdays for the time being (': okay, maybe it's not thatt great, because i enjoy going for training. and heck no, i don't not want my 4 months of training and muscle toning to get flushed down the toilet. NO WAY JOSE, THAT SHIZ WILL NEVER HAPPEN. D:

for now, i'd like to do a full spilt :P i've been going at it for a few weeks now, but im too afraid of tearing my hamstring or something if i push myself too hard. and it's really really painful -.- ish, this is one long and *pssht* process, but mark my words, i will come out on top of this. (: my determination shall not waver.

omg blogger screwed up my picture quality )':

but ah well, shuks and lum lum are still pretty anyways (:

& uhm one more thing, I FIND IT SO FREAKING HILARIOUS THAT ALL THE SMALL BU3 MINORS ARE ADDING THE TMN SEA VOLLEYBALL GUYS. HOLLEHH SHIT THEY GIVE ME BUTTERFLIES FROM LAUGHING TOO MUCH LA. SHO FUNNY I WANNA DIE. AND THEY ADDED MELVIN. TOO FUNNY LIAOOOOO.

HAHAHAHA THEY ADD THE GUYS IN LIKE GROUPS TOOOOO. ONE ADDS, THE REST FOLLOW. FUYOH MANN.

my god they are so entertaining (': (': (':

life has offered much to love now, really :P

only when you have truly accepted the fact as it is, can you be liberated from your doubts.

2011-04-25T21:47:00.002+08:00

with every setback, take 3 steps forward.

2011-04-22T22:54:00.002+08:00

and so, mssd has passed again this year. failed to get into the district team for the second time in a row, but meh, what good does it do for my future? my mum actually did a really good job when trying to well, make me feel better about it.

she told me that no matter how successful you are in sports, without studies, you are nothing. how many people can actually make a real living out of sports? there's only so few that can become the next lee chong wei or nicol david. whatever it is, studies come first. if it doesn't, you're doomed to a future of working at a&w forever.

it wasn't all bad though. i learnt loads of things this year too, inside and outside court. i guess sometimes, the losers take home more lessons than the winners. (:

right after mssd, i was finally able to open my palm to do an overhands serve. major achievement k. before this, i had to fist the ball. bobby and i can also dig set and spike with each other repeatedly now.

my god the amount of things i learn right after the appropriate time to apply it -.-

*

and you know what, i hope the guys team doesn't dissolve next year. they need to bring home the gold. the girls team needs more than that pathetic bronze medal too. one last try next year, and i hope we can overcome whatever that's in our way of first place.

the guys deserved more than this. this, im sure of. too many tears shed this year to not go back and get revenge next year.

*
HEHEHEHE MID TERMS COMINN AND I KNOW NO NUTS ABOUT ANYTHING. :P

neverr say neverrr.

2011-04-20T19:16:00.000+08:00

bieber here, bieber there. my god bieber, just go away.

second day of mssd tomorrow. honestly, i don't know what to expect. i want to get into state level but i don't have a wrick of confidence left in me. i feel like i haven't shown what i can really do. plus, the bu3 and dj setters look like a much better bet compared to me. ish, im dying from my own incompetence.

suree, i haven't had as much experince as they all have. they've been training for twice as long as me, and some even started in primary school. YESSSS, I HAVE ACCEPTED THAT EXPERIENCE TRUMPS WHATEVER ELSE YOU HAVE ANYTIME. but still, i think we'll do our best tomorrow, as we always do better on the second day.

even if we lose to catholic, i want to give them a heck of a fight. i want to showcase the talents of my own team. we're not such losers, like they think we are.

okayy, im insecure. i've given up alot to play volleyball. and im getting frustrated with my own ugh-ness. WHY CAN'T I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH? -.-

agh screw it la. i'll put behind that stoopid game with SriUtama, and we'll move on. MOVE ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

(:

2011-04-19T20:32:00.001+08:00

FAILFAILFAILFAILFAILFAIL.

-______________________________- THURSDAY, WE WILL BE BETTER. i promise.

riight.

2011-04-18T17:42:00.000+08:00

okay. i kinda had some badass memories of last year's mssd. by badass, i mean horrid stupid moments in the past that i wish i could have handled as myself, now instead of last time.

that time, mssd was a wake-up call. i had absolutely no idea what to expect. obviously we walked into court overconfident and probably ended up making a big fool out of ourselves. AH, LIFE'S BITTERSWEETNESS (: but then again, i've learnt to use my brain now and this year, i've made it my resolution to NOT CRY IN COURT. EVER. AGAIN. no matter how hard we lose.

second, I WILL MAKE SURE THAT I SET EVERY BALL THAT IS SENT TO ME NICELY HIGH UP IN THE AIR WITH A BEAUTIFUL PARABOLA SHAPE.

third, i will think before the game and make sure i give my team every chance to kill the opponent. and win.

forth, we will have a heckload of fun out of it la (:

even though i've learnt not to place my hopes too high for anything, i hope we beat the crap out of catholic. JUST SAYIN'.

ciao (:

2011-04-13T22:15:00.001+08:00

life's been good. better than before, actually. besides the fact that my body choose to fall sick NOW, right before mssd. but otherwise. I'VE BEEN GOOD (:

can't wait to skip 4 days of school net week 8D

MOOHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH I GET TO BRING MY CAMERA. well not my camera but my dad's camera BUT IT'S KINDA IS MY CAMERA ANYWAYS.

excitedd! :D

unfurfilled expectations.

2011-04-09T00:14:00.001+08:00

i don't understand why my parents expect so much out of me. i'm juggling so many bloody things in my life now, that im about to implode from the amount of stress im try to handle. it's almost as if im expected to top my class every single time, expected to excel in everything, expected not to complain about not being able to understand my studies.

expected to be a perfect child.

sometimes, i feel like failing something, just to see whether my parents woud give me a verbal whipping, or words of comfort. at the rate it's going, im probably going to end up with the first option. okay SO WHAT IF I GOT 30/40 for addmath. IS THAT NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. AM I BEING TOO DEMANDING TO ASK YOU TO FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT ALWAYS PERFECT?

i feel pressured to perform in everything. being mediocre isn't enough for me anymore. i don't like feeling like this. it's like im some monster overachiever who just needs to be better than everyone else. not that i deny that kiasu-ness runs in my family, but being overpressured by just the thought that i need to be better than everyone else frightens me.

i feel like the perfect example of the flaws in the asian education system.

and wth there's debate on thursday. bm oral on tuesday. mssd next tuesday. how much i would give to be some random person who doesn't give a shit about their studies, future and doesn't have their guilty conscience jabbing them everytime they do something even a teeny weeny bit wrong.

*

UGH HELL.